Miss Me Yet?

Yardwork, spring cleaning, purging the closest of clothes too large for me (yay), a computer meltdown (boo).  All things that have kept me from writing. Well, those things and the fact that I just haven't been inspired.

5 months after my world seemed to end, I'm still very hurt and angry. I've let go of the idea of Wyatt and I ever being friends.  Friendship is what HE wants.  Once again, thinking only of himself and not of me. He says that he always wants me in his life.  He had that and he let it go.  "Too bad, you blew it." Now he has someone else in his life and that is ok. They are two of a kind and deserve whatever "happiness" they create.

I, in the meantime, will continue doing what I need to to heal myself. I'm not ready for another relationship, but at least the idea of it doesn't make me ill anymore.

So, now for the next phase of this blog. I've lived with evil (and yes I do still define his actions as evil, maybe not intentional, but evil none the less).  Now is the time to learn to trust again. 

I look forward to making the most of this summer in my little mountain paradise. Hopefully, it will be inspirational.

NEXT TIME: "Dating in the New Millenium"

So What Else is New?

So, here we go again.  Another high profile couple brought down by lies and infidelity.  My 80 year old mother called and asked me, "Why can't men keep their pants on?"  I found it funny that she was actually shocked by the ex-governator's actions.

Cheating is nothing new that's for sure.  Historically, taking a mistress has been perfectly acceptable and in many cultures still is.  What seems to have changed are the way we have gone from despising "adulterers" to rewarding them.  Hundreds of years ago "unlawful fornicators" faced public humiliation.  Now what do we do?  We give them media attention.  Hester Prynne wore a scarlet letter .... Monica Lewinsky got a cameo on Saturday Night Live.

Will women come crawling out of the woodwork like they did with Tiger Woods?  I'm sure many will come looking for their 15 minutes of fame, and unfortunately society will give it to them.  Meanwhile, what about the family damaged by the selfish actions of two people (or more)?  It's hard enough to deal with the consequences of infidelity as a civilian much less as someone who is constantly in the public eye.

I hope that the media gives the family the privacy they need and  the public doesn't give attention to fame seeking floozies.  Like pigs flying and hell freezing over.... it's highly unlikely.

What Are the Odds?

In 1986, Newsweek published the article "The Marriage Crunch," basically stating that:

"White, college-educated women who failed to marry in their 20s faced abysmal odds of ever tying the knot.” .....  “According to the research, a woman who remained single at 30 had only a 20 percent chance of ever marrying. By 35, the probability dropped to 5 percent."....and the most infamous line, that a 40-year-old single woman was "more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than to ever marry.

These statements were made following a formal study that claimed the likelihood of marriage for a never-previously-wed, 40 year old, university educated  American woman was 2.6%.  A statistic that would disquiet older single women for decades to come.

I believe that I am still unmarried by choice.  When it comes to guys, I've made few good choices and a myriad of poor ones.  Being a child of divorce, I haven't had many happy marriage role models, so I was never in a rush to tie the knot and start a family.  Given my doubts about the institution of marriage,  I figured that if it was meant to happen,  it would. The topic has come up a few times in a few relationships, but talking about marriage is very different from considering it.  As a result, I've spent my youth having fun, dating inappropriate guys and becoming comfortable with my life. 

46, never-previously-wed, university educated, American woman..... 2.6%.

Even a woman who never planned to marry might be a little nervous right now, but I've done some research and it's not as bad as it seems.

Life is different in 2011.  Forty is the new Thirty, haven't you heard?  We live longer, so we choose to play longer.  It's become more acceptable for women put off marriage in order to establish their careers.  Attitudes of when or even if to get married have changed.  According to the 2010 census, women and men are waiting longer to legally commit.   Given these changes over the past decades, can we really determine odds? 

I'm certainly not going to sweat it.  I am no spinster or old maid.  I still look decent in a pair of shorts.  I'm just picky when it comes to getting married, and I know that I am not alone.  There are a lot of never-previously-wed, 40 something men out there.  Check any large dating website if you don't believe me. 

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/26/marriage-and-women-over-40/

I Think It Happened

I haven't written much lately, but that is a good thing. The night before my birthday was very difficult, but it was beneficial, I was busy having a breakthrough. It was a moment of acceptance that is very difficult to describe.  I forced myself to say aloud the truths about my relationship. I accepted my part in failure, and the things that were out of my control. 

Disney has given women unrealistic expectations of what we expect in a relationship.  We want our perfect man, who will do and say the perfect thing.  We picture scenarios and create dialogues, and are truly disappointed when things don't happen the way we envisioned. Pornography has done the same thing to men.

I had to let go of my romantic comedy, John Hughes, Disney influences.  I accepted that our relationship is not going to be different and he is not going to magically be my Prince Charming.  I acknowledged that I was at fault for accepting less than what I deserved.  My definition for this breakthrough...  "I gave up hope." 

What a sad idea that was to me, that giving up hope would be a good thing. 

I Hear What You're Saying

Some people have expressed their concerns over my and Wyatt's attempt to be friends, and most of their concern is for me.  Trust me that I understand what you're saying and you're right, it is making it harder on me.

I don't know anyone who hasn't heard or said "We'll always be friends" at the end of a relationship.  When we're young, we actually believe that can happen. Through trial and error, we discover that it just doesn't work that way.  We  eventually learn that the best thing is a clean break and a lot of time.

I'm sure he and I are not the first couple who would like to think that we are different.  That regardless of all of the hard times, we had a special connection and we can actually survive this.  Who knows?  Maybe we can..... but not without a clean break and a lot of time first. 

Yes, I am emotional, fragile and vulnerable.  I am also hurt, angry and untrusting.  I was once told, "It's at times like this when you find out who your real friends are." In the last 5 months, my idea of what love and friendship really are has changed drastically.  I've had to reevaluate and separate the "friends" and "friendlies,"  and with that I've debated which Wyatt would be (regardless of what anyone thinks he deserves).  I believe that actions speak louder than words.  His actions will determine how he fits in my life.

The bottom line is that I have a good idea of what is best for me.  I know what has been helpful and what has not.  I've learned to keep my eyes open, and question things.  Some may not see that as a positive, but at this moment it is for me.  

Wyatt had this attitude of "If I can't fix it, I'll break it" that I didn't truly understand until now.  This was a long relationship, and my journey will not be fast or painless.  I  accept that I can't fix it so, I am trying to break it... to break me, by trying to hurry along the inevitable breakdown.  Hoping that each breakdown is a breakthrough and that the last breakthrough was the last.  It's what I need to do for me.

Thank you, but don't worry, I can handle it. I have a great support system.

The Special Days

I expect days like today to be hard. Especially the firsts. The first birthday apart, the first anniversary, the first holiday.  After 11 years, I am so used to making my plans with him, and I'm feeling a little lost today.

The best thing for me to do? Keep busy, keep my mind on other things, and distract myself as much as possible. Thank goodness for friends and family.

I can break down tomorrow.

Not as Easy as You'd Hope

I've been thinking about my future... the about a year from now future.  I 've had a plan bouncing around in my head for a week or so, a plan for an adventure, a 3-5 year plan. In this future, I am alone, taking care of myself and enjoying my independence.

I was discussing it with a friend last week.  He loved the idea, but had to ask, "What happens if you meet someone?"

My first reaction?   "No way, won't happen. I don't want it."

Actually, I hadn't even considered the possibility.   I had thought that I was ready to envision the man of my dreams, but I hadn't included him in my near future.  Possibly, it was because this is for me and attatchments just don't fit into the equation, and/or it 's about the fear of investing time and emotion only to be hurt again. The incredibly STUPID truth is....(FYI, I rarely use that word)....  I still love HIM.  (THAT'S why I used that word.)

He's hurt and betrayed me, there's no denying it.  He's lost my trust and my respect.  Our good times are clouded by doubt.  He's broken something that may never be repaired.  Yet, he still has my love and compassion?   What is wrong with me?  Oh, how easy life would be if we could control our feelings with a simple switch,  to be able to turn love off and just walk away.  I want to just say, "OK, enough caring about him today.... move along!"  Actually, I do say that sometimes, it just hasn't worked out for me yet.

Yes, yes.... time.... blah blah.... eventually.... blah blah..... someday..... blah. 

Right now.... it's easier to be a cynic.