I've been thinking about my future... the about a year from now future. I 've had a plan bouncing around in my head for a week or so, a plan for an adventure, a 3-5 year plan. In this future, I am alone, taking care of myself and enjoying my independence.
I was discussing it with a friend last week. He loved the idea, but had to ask, "What happens if you meet someone?"
My first reaction? "No way, won't happen. I don't want it."
Actually, I hadn't even considered the possibility. I had thought that I was ready to envision the man of my dreams, but I hadn't included him in my near future. Possibly, it was because this is for me and attatchments just don't fit into the equation, and/or it 's about the fear of investing time and emotion only to be hurt again. The incredibly STUPID truth is....(FYI, I rarely use that word).... I still love HIM. (THAT'S why I used that word.)
He's hurt and betrayed me, there's no denying it. He's lost my trust and my respect. Our good times are clouded by doubt. He's broken something that may never be repaired. Yet, he still has my love and compassion? What is wrong with me? Oh, how easy life would be if we could control our feelings with a simple switch, to be able to turn love off and just walk away. I want to just say, "OK, enough caring about him today.... move along!" Actually, I do say that sometimes, it just hasn't worked out for me yet.
Yes, yes.... time.... blah blah.... eventually.... blah blah..... someday..... blah.
Right now.... it's easier to be a cynic.
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