Some Days Just Suck

Some days are just harder than others. Some days you just feel let down and abandoned. Some days it's just too hard to be positive no matter how hard you try.

Sometimes those days blend together and become weeks.

I know that some day I'll wake up and feel good again. I just wish I knew when.

Alcohol and Technology.... a Dangerous Combo

I am NOT an alcoholic. I can go out to eat and just order water. I am able to have the same bottle of bourbon in the house for weeks. I don't invite people to my home JUST so they will bring booze. I do not resort to buying cheap booze because all I have is the change that I scrounged out of the ashtray of my car.  However, I am a social drinker and unfortunately, I have roommates who are of that "I don't have to work tomorrow, so I'm doing shots" stage.

It didn't take much for me to realize that depression and drinking are not a good combination for me. When I drink I get very talkative, and the topics of conversation depend on my mood at the time. I think it's pretty clear what is occupying my mind these days. I am very thankful  for the patience and understanding of those around me. They were more polite than I could be, because frankly, I was boring the crap out of myself.

Also, thanks to technology, drunk dialing is not the only hazard to drinking while broken hearted.... we now have drunk texting. I honestly couldn't tell you which is worse. Wyatt might have an opinion.

Personal growth change #1..... I'm done drinking, at least until I know that I can talk about something that other people might actually want to hear.

How to Quiet Your Brain in a Multi-tasking World

The title is actually more of a question than a statement. I tried meditation this morning, and it was the longest 3 minutes of my life.  How hard can it really be? Well... finding any block of time free of interruption is the first challenge and I don't even have children. And the whole quieting my brain thing?  Hahahahahahahahahahahaha......

When did I become such a multi-tasker? I must have been the last kid on the block to get a laptop and cell phone. Believe it or not, 6 years ago I could wait until I got home to make a phone call and even used a pen and calendar for organizing my appointments. But now, I look at my computer screen and I see 6 tabs open.  I am busy checking out emails, blogging statistics, news, and websites for fitness classes in my area.  Sitting beside me on my right are my android and house phones ringing and buzzing.  On my left? Pen and paper... for my list of all the things I need to get done today. (Which I will most likely lose.)

Personal growth is hard for a person who can't work on one thing at a time. Where do I start?  What do I do? Where do I go? Who can I get to help me? I am so NOT a patient person and it doesn't help when my *ADD days have the potential to turn into ADD weeks. I guess that this is the point of "personal growth." I need to recognize what changes I need to make and actually change, one day at a time, one change at a time.

Having too much to do isn't  all bad though. At least it's keeping my mind off of the painful stuff (most of the time). Things need to get done, otherwise it will be hard to empty my mind when I meditate. Ah.... that vicious circle.

So, this is my life right now, but it's a lot better than hiding under the covers with my door locked watching old TV streaming on Netflix. That was yesterday.

*ADD- Attention Deficit Disorder

Do We Really Want to Know the Truth?

The hardest part about this breakup is dealing with hurt of deception and the loss of trust.  I don't know all of the lies, but I know enough to now doubt everything. I have no clue what I can believe, and who I can trust.  Will finding out the truth really help me? Or, will it just reopen old wounds and drag me back to where I was two months ago? 

"Knowledge is Power"..... Why do I need to know?  I need to figure out where I went wrong.  Did I see the signs, but not say anything because I was blinded by love?  Did I catch him in lies, but allow him to talk his way out of them? I need to know because I need to figure out how I could be so easily fooled. I need to learn from this and so it doesn't happen again.

"The Truth Hurts"..... Knowing the truth comes with the caveat that that I have to deal with the pain it brings. Is it possible for me to be hurt anymore deeply than I already am? I have been advised to just cut off all communication, focus on myself and move forward.  I can't do that until I have an understanding of what went so wrong. I can't do that by myself.

And so what if, in the search for honesty, he just continues to lie to me? .... Why bother continuing with lies?  It's too late to save face and feelings are already hurt.  Continuing to lie will serve no purpose. I'm ready to hear the truth from the only person who can tell it. Hopefully he's not lying to himself.

Dating..... bleh.....

"Never leave something to find something better. Because once you've realized you had the best; the best has found better." -Benny Ahonima

I can't imagine myself with someone else. I know that "I deserve better" and "I can do better." But come on, this is 11 years we're talking about. After 11 years, you've become comfortable and secure. Is that really a BAD thing?  We could speak to each other with a gesture and read each other's body language. I knew that a houseful of candlelight didn't mean that the power was out.  I wanted to spend every moment with him. All I ever wanted from this man was his love and his time. That's how deeply my love for him had grown and it took years to cultivate.

Even though he violated my trust and cast doubt that anything between us was real, I  still can't imagine being with someone else. I have such a hard time believing that I could have been so wrong about him. Wrong or right, I trusted him enough to drop my protective walls. I can't imagine letting someone else get that close to me.

I work in the public and cross paths with many people every day. My friends are constantly pointing out good looking guys. They encourage me to flirt, and the only way that I can respond is.........bleh.  I am so not interested.  I can't even bring myself to flirt with someone..... (OMG, I'm going to spend my life alone)....much less consider an actual date.

How is it that guys have no problem doing this?  Why is it SO easy for a guy to just move on to the next woman?  What entity decided that it was fair to give men some sort of emotional switch, but not women?

With a Little Help from My Therapist

Three and a half years ago my world started falling apart. Wyatt and I stood by each other through the whole thing. As  helpful as it was to have him, I knew that I needed more. I needed  to talk to someone that wasn't him. I needed to talk to someone about him. Not my friends, not my family, but someone who could actually help, someone not so close. 

I found myself a professional, and I spent 5 months in counseling. Apparently it was helping, because someone very close to me  said that he could really tell that  something was different. I seemed more calm and able to handle things better. I agreed that I felt good, positive, patient. I felt that therapy was helping me grow as a person.  Knowing a thing or two about his past and family history, I suggested that he try out professional counseling as well. His response? "I don't need therapy.... I'm perfect." (Laughter ensued, but at the time he was very serious.)

What is it about therapy that puts people so on edge? Are we so egotistical that we can't accept the fact that others can help us?  Do we think that, if we are in therapy it must mean that we are weak or crazy? Or, are we afraid of what we may learn about ourselves? That we are imperfect and capable of making poor decisions.

It's fine to rely on close friends, family and spouses for the everyday problems of life. It's called poker night, girl's night out, retail therapy, a bitch session. But, how about when it's not so simple? Those problems that keep coming back because we just haven't figured out how to do things right. It sure couldn't hurt to find a good therapist.

I believe that a good therapist is not a talker but a listener, taking the time to get to know you in order to lead you. A good therapist will not only ask you questions, but will ask you to question yourself.  My therapist never told me what I was doing wrong in my life, I was able to figure that out myself. What my therapist did was make me understand why I was doing those things. Once I began to understand what was driving me, I was able to approach things differently, in a way that was less destructive.

There are many easy "therapeutic" things that we can do to help deal with stress and depression.  We can read self-help books, watch inspirational movies, meditate, talk to our friends, journal about it in a blog. These are all things that a therapist would agree are helpful, but often the results are temporary.  We go in circles, feeling better for the moment, forgetting what is really causing the problem, not dealing with it because we are embarrassed or afraid that talking about it will just cause conflict.

It's natural for us to want to talk about our problems, and often it is easier to talk to a stranger. Someone who we can trust to keep secret our innermost fears, who is neutral and able to hold us accountable, who won't judge when we talk about how lost we are. In our journey of life, sometimes we need a guide.

Packing My Bags for My Journey of Self Discovery

"Maybe you're a woman in search of a word." - Sofi... Eat, Pray, Love


I was inspired today. I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" and was truly inspired. Not so much by the idea of taking a year off to live in Italy, India, and Bali, but more by Liz Gilbert's purpose behind her travels. It's about personal growth; finding peace, forgiveness, and the ability to love and respect herself. It's about a woman searching for a word that defines her more deeply than daughter, wife or girlfriend.

I've read before that our personalities are set by age seven and that only traumatic events can cause permanent, meaningful change. Many would argue that we continue to develop as we age because we continue to experience.  It must come down to this:  Which events in our lives do we consider to be traumatic enough to make us change?  Is "devastated" a synonym for "traumatized"?  The devastation of my breakup is about a lot more than the end of a relationship.  I almost ended up losing everything that I worked for, and somewhere along the line, I also lost a part of myself. 

Now, what steps do I take to support my physical, emotional and spiritual growth?  A change of diet and exercise seems easy enough, but is a lot harder in practice than in theory.  People who are spiritual may go on some sort of vision quest or become more involved in their church/temple/ashram. Some may start a project.  More adventurous types might search for new experiences. I say "All of the above!" I mean, try enough things and something has got to work, right?

With my presently limited income, what do I do, where do I go, how do I begin?  Where will my journey to self discovery take me?   It has started with this blog, my project, and  while it has certainly been helping me in my healing process, sitting in front of my computer is not doing enough for my soul, much less my butt.

Not being a traditional church going kind of girl, my first inclination is to turn to meditation. Not the envisioning my future kind of meditation, but the sitting still and quieting my brain kind.  (Hear that?.... That is the sound of the people who know me laughing hysterically.)  It will be a challenge, but first steps often are. So, I'll start there. I'll start with my search for a word by looking deep inside myself.


http://www.personalgrowthplanet.com/

Boundaries

Too often I've been hearing stories of betrayal involving people with no respect for the institution of marriage and long term relationships. People who feed on the vulnerability of someone who is unhappy  and unable to successfully communicate with their partner, so they turn to someone else. I've discussed the topic of cheating before but the focus was on the cheater not the other "offender."

I wonder about the loose morals of these people. They seem to have their own set of rules. To me, they seem simply selfish. They disrespect the relationship that someone is already having. They think that they have some sort of magical ability to do it better. They don't realize that they if they really like someone who is already involved that they should back off, letting that person deal with what's wrong in the first relationship before moving on to another.

I can hear it now...... "If the relationship is so strong, why would someone stray?" "Take care of your partner and they won't look for someone else." These are comments made by the people who cheat, an attempt to justify what they know is wrong in order to make themselves feel better. There are a lot of wonderful terms for these people, none of which I will repeat here because I know that my audience has a very creative vocabulary.

It's not about "saving" someone who is unhappy, about being "who/what makes them happy," it is all about boundaries. It's about respecting that there are two people in a relationship and you are not one of them.

One Heck of an Affirmation

In The Secret,  one of the contributors talks about his "epiphany," the magical moment that happens when someone who knows what they want finally figures out how they will achieve it. For a long time, I've meditated on the future I want. While it's always looked great, it has never felt real. I couldn't feel it because I couldn't see the path that would lead me there, until now. It all starts with gratitude. Not just gratitude for what I have, but gratitude for the things that I know I will achieve.

• I am grateful because I have financial security, gained from hard work, dedication and creativity.
• I am grateful for my emotional health. I am happy, secure, confident and positive.
• I am grateful for my physical health. I eat clean and have the energy to exercise everyday. I am constantly in motion.
• I am grateful for the support of my friends and family.
• I am grateful that I am surrounded by the beauty of nature and am able to enjoy everything that it has to offer me.
• I am grateful for the man with whom I will share my future.  He is funny, affectionate, honest, open, and fun. He is hard-working yet laid back. He is loyal and unafraid to say "I love you" and truly mean it. He is respectful, supportive, ambitious and makes me a priority. He is able to be these things for me because I am able to offer the same to him.

Be grateful every day for what you have, and be grateful for the things you want. Don't be afraid to say it out loud. Every time something negative happens to you, say something positive. It took me a long time to figure out how I would get the things I want out of life, but I I had the faith that it would happen. Now that I've had my epiphany I am able to not only envision my future, but I can feel it.

My path is now set before me. It is up to me to follow it.

The H Word

I let loose with a "curse" word when I had my momentary breakdown last week. I used the H word..... hate.  It's a word that carries a lot of power and is considered by many to be an ugly emotion.  In it's simplest definition, hatred is "often associated with feelings of anger and disposition towards hostility against the objects of hatred."  Hmm, anger and hostility. Yep, I had definitely felt anger and hostility. How could I not?

When I was at my lowest, during my depression/anger/pain and guilt stage, I had a very long conversation with one of my best friends on this topic. She said hate was the work of the devil and, having known me since we were children, assured me that I was NOT a hateful person. I know she's right, but I found it hard to describe with any other word the way I was feeling.  Perhaps I shouldn't look for that all encompassing single word. Maybe it's healthier to recognize each detailed emotion.

Devastated, hurt, betrayed, angry, untrusting, suspicious.  This is the lexicon of my breakup. I must remember that while these feelings seem to linger for what seems like an eternity, they are temporary.  I know that I don't hate my ex. There are a lot of words to describe my feelings for him now, but hate is not one of them.

I once heard that the time it takes to recover from a breakup is usually half the time that the relationship lasted. Five and a half years? I hope not. I don't think that I could handle that. Some people have advised me to go into a rebound relationship to help the process go a little faster, or at least distract me. That's not my style though. So, I continue the process in writing.  I continue to envision my perfect future. I continue to surround myself with positive energy.

Today's affirmation: I am grateful for the support of my friends and family throughout this process. For those who have known when to give me space, when to listen and when to advise.  I am truly blessed.

Mean People

What do you do when mean spirited people continually go out of their way to hurt you?  My first instinct was to write about it and I did.  I wrote, I blasted, I went there.... and it felt good.  Then I was reminded that I am no longer 15, and I tucked it away.

"Take the high road, take the high road, take the high road."

When I was in the second grade, I was a bit of a crybaby and there were 3 boys who took advantage of that fact each day on the playground. And each day, I would run into the classroom to the comfort of my teacher, Mrs F.  She must have grown tired of constantly having to console me, because she sat me down and gave me the sound advice that I have given my own students. "They are just trying to get your goat." Of course, being seven I wasn't sure what she meant, but I was smart enough to ask. She said,  "People will continue to tease you as long as you allow them to get to you. Stand up to them and show them that they can't hurt you, after that, ignore them."

THAT'S the way to deal with hurtful people.  Ignore them;  recognize that their meanness comes from their own insecurities;  don't stoop down to their level;  know that I can only control my actions, not theirs;  what goes around comes around, etc.

I will remember that negative energy and actions come back like a boom-a-rang to only knock you in the back of the head. I really don't need to do anything because the universe will respond accordingly. I will surround myself with positive energy and rise above the urge to give back hurt.

I will always look for a positive in the negatives in my life. There is always something for which to be grateful. I'm grateful that I am constantly being given new writing material.

With a Little Help from My Friends

A girl can live in her pajamas for only so long. Eventually, she has to get up, run a brush through her hair, swish around a little mouthwash and actually leave the house. That's where my friends come in, because if not for them, I'd only go to work. Thanks to them, I've been forced to let the sun shine on my face. We've gone shopping, talked about things other than Wyatt and even had a meal or two (and yes, veggies were involved). It's times like this when you find out who your true friends are and I am truly grateful for these men and women in my life.

Wyatt and I came into our relationship each with our own set of close friends. We are both friendly, sociable and likable people, so getting along with each other's group was never an issue.  After 11 years, I actually became close enough with some of these friends to consider them my friends too, but  now what? I don't expect anyone to take sides. They know who I am as a person and are mature enough to remain friends with both of us. Hopefully, we can continue our friendships with having Wyatt as the glue that holds us together.

But what about the friend who let loose the "truth" about what was going on behind my back? Many people have said, "Lose her number!"

I tried to put myself in her position. As couples, isn't it our job to be each other's confidant? If you have a secret, shouldn't your partner be the one person you can tell? What a horrible position to be in, to know a secret that would be extremely painful to someone who you genuinely like and respect and be expected to be quiet about it.  What would you do? Knowing what I know now, I would have to warn my partner that there are some secrets that I just don't think are right to keep.  For me, keeping a secret about infidelity would be like being a witness to an assault and doing nothing about it.

I am truly blessed for the friends I have. Thank you to the friends who spent hours on the phone with me while I cried, the one who dropped everything to drive 200 miles to be by my side, those who privately messaged me with their own stories and words of encouragement, and all of those who are helping me face the hard truths about my relationship so that I can move on and trust again. And the friend who let out the "secret"? I am not mad that she told me because it was something that I needed to know, I just wish she had done it a long time ago. Forgiveness has to begin somewhere, I think I'll start with her.

Change is Good

I've packed up his belongings, removed pictures from around the house and removed his photos from my computer, but I need a bigger change.  After 11 years together, he is a part of every corner of my home. I own the house and moving is not as easy as it seems, so what do I do?  Paint! Paint and rearrange the furniture! Could it be THAT easy? I hope so because right now I see the ghost of him everywhere I look.

There are all sorts rites and rituals that people practice to signify the ending of an important event. We burn, bury, pray, meditate. First, I will redecorate.

A Momentary Breakdown

Found on Wikipedia:
According to the German Society of Ophthalmology, which has collated different scientific studies on crying, women cry on average between 30 and 64 times a year, and men cry on average between 6 and 17 times a year.

 Cleaning my bedroom the other night, I found a Valentine's Day card. It wasn't from him, but it upset me, because all I could think was that it should have been. The wave of pain that engulfed me was unbearable. It hurt so much that the feeling within me was more than anger. It took me right back to the emotions of one month ago, devastation and .....hatred, an emotion that I've been desparately trying to exclude from my life. 

Most scientists believe that humans are the only animals that produce tears as a response to an emotional state. It is theorized that we feel better after a good cry because the act releases hormones associated with stress.  So, that's what I did..... I  curled up and cried. I wrote and cried. I didn't need to write much, but it was to the point, "I hate you for what you did to me." Then, I curled up and cried some more.

As momentary as it was, this will probably not be an isolated event.  I'm sure that the pain will be dredged up often, by pictures, memories, surroundings and mementos. The problem with a lengthy relationship  is the large amount of evidence of its existence which is left behind.

The good news is .... I know that I have the power to work through it.

Can Exes Really Be Friends?

In my experience, the breakup talk often includes some sort of declaration that the two of you will always be friends.  We know how that usually goes.... we attempt a friendship before we finish the process of grieving, causing the process to drag on and on, creating more hurt and disappointment. Until eventually, you learn to stay the heck away from each other. Then, in a few months, or years, you run into each other, hopefully talk about the good times, hug and walk away. Sure we can be friendly, but friends?

Let's consider our "friendly" options:

• The Casual Acquaintance- This is the ex that you never go out of your way to contact. You may run into each other or give a third party salutation through a casual acquaintance, but you wouldn't worry if you lost their number.
• Friend by Association- This happens when the couple has a large pool of mutual longtime friends (i.e. college buddies). Rather than forcing the friends to choose between you, you agree to get along when you're thrown together at an event (an annual party, wedding, or reunion).
• The Random Phone Call Friend- For me, this is the "we just grew apart" ex. You still have fond memories and hold a place in your heart for this person (your first kiss, love, etc.) Every once in a while you'll get the "I heard a song that reminded me of you, and wanted to say hi," phone call.
• The Social Networking Friend-  Currently, six of my FB friends are guys that I "dated,"  (quotation marks because I include my 7th grade boyfriend of one week). These are guys from my youth, when we were all educating ourselves in the whole boyfriend/girlfriend relationship thing. Learning trial by error. We can joke publicly about our experiences. The spouses are often aware of our childhood hi-jinx. We're all just buddies now.
• The Jerry/Elaine Experience- On "Seinfeld", Jerry and Elaine were exes who ended up being best friends. They spoke openly with each other, hung out together, set each other up on dates, and for a brief moment had some "friends with benefits" action. But, that was television, and I have yet to see one of these friendships in action. If anyone out there can provide proof of this mythical relationship, please, share.

So, can/will the ex and I be friends? If I had to decide right now?.... HECK NO! And I don't need to go into the reasons why. What about in the future?  At my age, I've learned to be honest about my ability to predict the future... I can't. There are some factors to consider, such as the details of our history and relationship and the ability to forgive.

In that wonderful future that I am envisioning, have we been able to forgive? I hope so, because forgiveness can be very liberating..... so I've been told.

How About a Pair of Pajama Jeans?

Hooray! I'm out of my pajamas and it's before noon. It's just sweats, but there is a jog bra involved, thus making me presentable enough for a trip to the grocery store. This small success has me wondering, "What next?" ...Pajama jeans seem to be the obvious choice, but I should probably set my goals a little higher.

So, what do I do next? The title does say "Learning How 2 Trust Again." When do I start learning to trust? There's nothing about "trust" mentioned in the 5 stages of grief, but I've been told it is how the process begins. At which stage am I? Let me think about this....

                                                   Five Stages Of Grief 

1. Denial and Isolation.At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
   The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if  dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. One may be angry with oneself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
   Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
   The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Denial and Isolation... check,check... and unbearably on the longer side.
Anger...check (and still checking)....
Bargaining... Check I think? ... I'm pretty sure that my bargaining stage was really first, at the time when I thought he actually might still love me enough to work on things, before I found out.
Depression.... CHECK!!!!!....  this stage blanketed the first three.
Acceptance.... hmmm.... not quite there yet. While the emotional stuff has tapered off, and I've accepted the romantic loss, I'm still hoping for a friendship. Now... don't go blasting me yet, because I'll address that on a different day.

So where am I? I guess it really doesn't matter because I haven't reached the fifth stage yet. As far as learning to trust again? I STILL don't know! I suppose that I actually have to find someone to start trusting, don't I? Ahhhh.... that's another topic for another blog.

* This link was forwarded to me  7 Stages of Grief. Thanks REdM!

Depression Is Not a Weight Loss Plan

Clean eating and exercise are beneficial to the body and the mind. We know we have more energy when we eat healthy foods, and people who exercise regularly benefit from a boost in mood and lower rates of depression due to the release of endorphins to the brain. I have known these facts for years.

So why is it the most movement I can get from my body is the walk from the bed to the couch, and when I can eat, all I crave are sugar, tater tots and sauces? Thankfully, due to an inability to put food into my body, I have still lost 7 pounds.

More unfortunate facts: I've lost muscle, not fat.... I'm screwing up my metabolism, which is two strikes against me considering my age.... and when I start eating again, I'll probably gain back 10.

So, now that the black cloud is slowly rising, I'm able to start moving again. Zumba has been the recent activity of choice. The music is fun and motivating.

The food thing though..... I am unable to physically eat! I mean, 3 bites in and I'm feeling sick and done. Even if I can get a full plate finished, I still feel ill afterward. And goodness knows, no vegetable has had reason to feel threatened by me in the last 2 months.

Do guys respond to depression the same way? Do they also spend their days on the couch sleeping through daytime television, getting up long enough to eat half of a box of thin mints? By the way, a shout out to the Girls Scouts of America.... your timing is impeccable.

I know what I need to do. I will force my butt out of bed (by noon at least), do some sort of physical activity (I'm sure the dog would appreciate that), and threaten a carrot or two at least once a day. I'm sure that each day it will get easier and soon I will start feeling better about myself physically and mentally.

Positive Thoughts

Many books have been written about how powerful positive thought is. My favorite go to book is, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Just recently, the movie version showed up on my Netflix stream and I've been watching it just about everyday.

I am a firm believer that the energy you project comes back at you, be it positive or negative. I remember feigning illness as a child in order to skip school so well that I'd actually end up sick. I know that when I face a problem with a positive attitude, things will work out far better than when I am negative and complaining about it.

Of course, when all of this started I wished horrible things upon my ex. Plans for revenge were discussed  (other than the usual "a pox upon you" kind of stuff). But I know that regardless of how much I am hurting, and what people think he "deserves," that negative energy will get me nowhere.

"Take the high road......Take the high road.....Take the high road." Thank you L.S.A. for my new mantra.

In order to have what I want in my life, I need to live it as if it is already happening. I envision how my closure will happen, how I will move on to a trusting relationship, and the positive things that will emerge from my extreme pain. I know exactly how it will look, sound and feel. In order to have what I want, I must surround myself with positive healing  thoughts for others as well, and that includes him.

That being said..... My positive thoughts are with those affected by the massive earthquake in Japan. My problems are insignificant compared to theirs.  

Are Men Really Pigs?

When it comes to a good ol' man bashing session, more times than not, one will hear the declaration that "All men are pigs!" Now, I would assume that not ALL men are COMPLETE pigs, because if that was true, then what the heck are women thinking? Is it just our genetic programing that tells us to reproduce for the sake of human survival at work? Does it cause us to be blind to the obvious? Or, perhaps we are very tolerant  of certain behaviors because of the other qualities they have which make it worthwhile.

Wyatt is a mountain man who cleans up very nice. He is a friend to many, and while he likes a girl who can hang with the boys, he prefers SOME lady-like manners. He is usually polite in mixed company, especially upon first meeting, but when he is comfortable with someone he might cross a boundary or two. We've had some arguements over appropriate behavior like, reprimanding your partner in front of others, or is it EVER ok to refer to your woman as "my hoe." But in general, I never considered him a pig.

But what is it that men do that make us refer to them as pigs? One of the Urban Dictionary's definitions of "pig" is - an insensitive male, a male chauvinist. Aren't most men really insensitive to a woman's needs? And if a woman is insensitive to her man's needs what does that make her?

I have never been good at getting clues, or reading into behavior right off the bat. Unlike most women, I probably won't notice your new hairstyle or weight loss for a couple of weeks.  Wyatt has often said that I "have the filters of a two year old," and he's right. I pretty much say what I mean, when I think it. Yes, I know how to be diplomatic. I had to be as a teacher. But, on a casual level, I'd rather call it as I see it, and that's the way I like to hear it. Got a problem with me? Don't be passive-agressive, come out with it. Don't tipy-toe around it, TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED! And if I'm not responding the way you need me to, I'm probably processing it.... revisite it with me. And PLEASE, don't start with "Now don't get mad about this......"

That's who I am. I am NOT an insensitive person, I just communicate differently. And, if that's how I am, is it possible that men are not really pigs, but really "alternative communicators" like me?

I recently had the opportunity to get a lot of reading done. One of the best books I read was by marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman called, The 5 Love Languages. He discusses the different ways to express love, how we each respond to one way more than the others and how we need to learn, respect and respond to the way our partner feels loved. His views are sometimes based on his Christian beliefs, but he is NOT preachy. As a person who is "spirtiual, but not religious", I found his advice to be very valuable and I think everyone should own a copy of this book and refer to it often, whether you're in a romantic relationship or not.

Saying "All men are pigs," is like saying "All women are crazy." While there are many examples that may prove each statement as true to some level, there are obviously some characteristics that are more important to us.

I wish that I had learned how to communicate my love language to Wyatt and to identify his YEARS ago. But the past is past, I move toward the future and I pray for recovery and healing for the BOTH of us.

How Important is Closure?

Closure (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Closure is a popular psychology term. It refers to a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life. The term became popular in the 1990s due to its use in the popular media. The term cognitive closure has been defined as 'a desire for definite knowledge on some issue and the eschewal of confusion and ambiguity.'[1] Need for closure is a phrase used by psychologists to describe an individual’s desire for a firm solution as opposed to enduring ambiguity."

"I need closure".... my status update read, followed by comments from dear friends ready and willing to help me achieve it. But I feel that need to get my closure from the source of the pain. After 11 years, this is really like a divorce. We have grown people business to deal with. We have to communicate and behave like adults. It was what we were trying to do before I learned of the betrayals. We have to finish what we started.

In the articles I've read about how to get closure (two of them are linked to this page), they talk about the "closure conversation," the final meeting that two people have in order to move on with their lives. But can closure be had from a single conversation? Isn't closure more of a process than a singular event?

There's been a lot of advice - write a letter and tear it up, burn/sell his stuff, just ignore him and move on, work out/pig out, etc.  I will admit that pulling a "Waiting to Exhale" came to mind. There is a destructive route and a healing one. Which to pick, which to pick? The best advice? "Take the high road."

I don't want to fight with him, but I need to know things and to clear the air. I need to learn from this. I want to be able to move on with minimal baggage. And believe it or not, I DO want my ex to be happy (eventually). I wish him recovery and healing everyday. I know that my hopes for him MUST be positive. If I can't genuinely envision it for him, how will I ever achieve it for myself? 

Achieving Healthy Emotional Closure When Relationships End

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/closure.asp

Cheating

When we fall in love with someone, it's about more than just a physical connection. We attach ourselves mentally on a deeper level. This allows us to share our fears and secrets, confide in one another, to talk about the most difficult things and share our fantasies. This is why, when we ask people to define cheating, most will say that it's about more than just sex. It's very possible to cheat on someone without any sex being involved.

The best definition that I've heard yet is, cheating is "anything that involves the opposite sex that is kept hidden, or that you know would hurt your partner."

During my relationship I had never had reason to feel jealous. He introduced me to his female friends and ex-girlfriends. He spoke openly of his friendships of with them. This honesty built trust between us.

To learn of physical infidelity in a relationship is hard enough, to find out that he had a long lasting emotional connection with someone just about destroyed me. He was talking to her but not to me. He had a deep connection with her while he was shutting me out. She knew about me but he couldn't tell me about her. What made her different from his other friends? Why would he think that I would be upset by a platonic relationship?

Men and women define cheating differently. Is flirting considered cheating? Phone calls that you step out of the room to take? Playful texting? Talk to your partner, know where the line is. If you have friends of the opposite sex, don't hide them. If it causes jealousy, then there is an issue that needs to be addressed. If you feel the need to have a set of friends that you'd never introduce to your partner, then you need to reevaluate your relationship.

One last thought, if your partner cheated on his/her last lover, do you really think that it couldn't happen again with you?

*Thank you to my facebook friends who shared their opinions and personal stories about this topic, and also to those who comment here. Your words inspire me.

Anger and Hope

What do you do when you find out that you've been cheated on? Which emotions are most prevalent at this time? Anger, hurt, devastating gut-wrenching sadness.... hope.

Hope? Yes... hope. There's a small part inside of me that hopes that it's not true. That he is NOT the axis of evil and really could never hurt me that way. Of course, there are two sides to every story, and if he really cared about me he would try to tell me his. But how could I believe him?  At what point is trust lost and can it ever be restored?

Do I WANT to trust and believe in him again? Of course I do. This was my BEST FRIEND for 11 years. I WANT to think back on our relationship and smile and be happy. I want to believe that I am NOT so easily fooled. I want to go on to a new relationship with the ability to trust and believe in someone.

This is the "Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Worse" Part

Trust..... such a small simple word for something SO important.

You trust friends, family and lovers, and they trust you. We trust each other with our secrets, our hopes and fears, our belongings, our happiness. I trusted Wyatt because of what he WAS able to give me, because, I knew how hard it was for him to give that part of himself to me. I think back and realize now that he always gave me just enough to hold on to me, nothing more.

So, I tried to justify his new relationship. We were broken up, we had become more distant lately, breaking up had been on his mind for a while now. "It's how guys are built." I hoped that I could get past it. I tried to remember the good times we had.... but, damn, I felt so betrayed.

Then came a text from a "friend". She eluded to the fact that I was better off because he had been up to no good. She had "dirty details", "call if you need to talk." I responded with "It would be nice to finally know the truth."

I have always believed that, "Knowledge is power," but I often forget to remember, "The truth hurts."

The truth that she had to share? He's cheated on me before, with multiple women. One was for 6 years during our relationship. One was recent, living in the small town where he worked and stayed 2 hours from our home. Apparently, his family knew of the 6 year "relationship", his friends knew of others.

Devastation is another word that comes to mind, but I don't think it can adequately describe the feeling I was experiencing. Ten minutes earlier, I was trying to convince myself that at least I could remember the good times that would always be ours. In one moment, 11 years of memories became clouded with lies. I can't think of a single moment without out wondering what his angle was, who had he been with right before or after that moment. Behaviors that he would just shrug off because it was nothing.... really, nothing to be worried about.

Who does that? Who cheats 2 years into a relationship and continues for the next 9? Who lies, manipulates, uses and deceives? "Many people do!" I can hear everyone screaming.
I know that there is evil out there..... I just didn't think that I had allowed it into my life.

How To PERMANENTLY End a Relationship

So, as I've said, we were taking a shot at having an adult, mature breakup (can that REALLY exist?) He stayed with me for about a week after the breakup... his chance to "recover" in a safe environment. He moved most of his stuff out. We saw each other now and then. Made plans to hang out. Still said "I love you", if for any reason but to let the other one know that "your best friend always has your back." Fast forward one month when I saw it.

I didn't search it out. I wasn't playing stalker. I doubt he even knew that the picture was going to be posted. Sitting on the couch with friends, going through emails and checking out Facebook.... I see her profile picture, with him. She was a friend of a friend, actually a couple of friends. I knew that they had met. I wondered why she felt comfortable making their picture her profile pic. And I texted him. Then, as I'm cruising through FB, noticing that she has "friended" his mother, his step mother, brother and his girlfriend, I notice that these "friendships" happened DAYS after he left the "safety" of my home.

Now, here may come a debate. We WERE broken up. He was free to date/sleep with whoever he wanted, as was I. ( Although, that behavior is not my style.) When I literally called him on it, he claimed that the relationship was new, and that he liked her and he deserved to be happy.

Of course, I wanted him to be happy, but so FAST? It was a slap in the face. I would have hoped that he would have some sort of mourning period after 11 years. Maybe guys just aren't built that way. And the way I found out, it seemed so deliberate on her part. And let me make THIS clear, I won't go into the filthy details about this girl, but I know for a fact that she is a step down from me. Actually, quite a few steps. Another slap in the face.

So now I'm not only hurt, but I'm PISSED.  He had made the mistake that he knew would devastate me. He started seeing someone else BEFORE he broke up with me. He brought this woman into the lives of his family with his underwear still in my drawers. I had warned him that a betrayal like that could cause a psychotic break. He always assumed it would be violent (not that the thought didn't cross my mind), but as Edward Bulwer-Lytton said "The pen is mightier than the sword."

How It Started

First, a comment on the title......
      I didn't discover the "evil" until just a few days ago. Until, then I would have defended his character with every ounce of my being. I'm sure some of you out there have  your own stories which are probably worse than mine. I keep you in my prayers and hope that you are well on your way to healing. Whether or not Wyatt is true evil?.... let the story unfold and you decide.

In January, Wyatt, my boyfriend of 11 years, broke up with me. It was not an easy relationship. We had incredible highs and lows. He was honest with me about his issues with getting close to someone. We became best of friends. We developed trust, and eventually he opened up to me the way he couldn't with anyone else. Although his issues with addiction were very hard for me to understand, I tried to support him the best I could. (And yes, I realize now that this "support" is also known as "enabling".) I eventually fell in love with this man and thought that he had felt the same. We were very different from each other, different backgrounds, different upbringing, but yet we had a lot in common. I've always said that I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather spend 36 hours with in a locked room. He confided that he had been cheated on. He knew how I felt that cheating was the worst betrayal I could imagine. I knew in my heart that he had many faults but that he could NEVER do that to me.

When he broke up, it was because he felt that we had drifted into the comfort of being best friends but not much more. He blamed himself for the difficulties that I was facing and he was afraid that he would keep bringing me down... that I deserved to be treated better. He was having issues with his sobriety and needed to put himself into a position where he would be held accountable for his actions. He SOBBED that he couldn't stand it if he lost his best friend. That he wanted us to always be close.

It hurt so much.....I deserved to be treated better by HIM, not someone new. He knew the deepest part of me. He was so much more to me than my best friend..... And I knew that I needed to let him go..... I knew he was right and that staying here with me was not helping him stay sober. Very adult right? We were supporting each other through this difficult time. Talking and texting now and then. Hanging out for short periods. He still helped with repairs around the house. We planned on how we would deal with his boat (in my name) and his repayment of the money he wanted to pay back to me. I didn't want to lose the friend that meant SO much to me. Of course, I hoped that he would find recovery, healing, self respect and success... and that he would come back to me a better man, and we could be truly happy together.

Damn you Disney and John Hughes!

And then it just started going downhill.......

Here It Is

Here it is.... my blog... my sounding board. Before I start I need to make some things clear.....
1. This blog is about the end of my 11 year relationship, the betrayals that I learned of, and my journey to learning how to trust again. It is not in anyway intended to be a bashing party. Yes, my emotions may take hold and name calling may ensue, but I promise to not get personal.
2. I will use aliases. If you the reader know me personally and would like to comment on a personal level, please send me a private message on Facebook.
3. Some embarrassing, personal information may come out somehow in the future. Here's what I'll 'fess up to here and now.
        -At 20, I crashed my car and was charged with a wet reckless.
        - I have experimented with drugs and drink alcohol.
        - I have a federal conviction and am currently under probation.
It's public record, so I figure I should just put it out there first.
4. I am a loving, loyal, trustworthy person. I do not do things with the intention of hurting someone.
5. I understand that I am not perfect and admit that I have made mistakes.

So, here it is.... I'll try to write daily. I will choose my words carefully, so it may take time to get the first few posts out.

Please use your comments to question, advise or vent. I will try to be positive in my writing, I hope you will too.