"Being That Your a Woman....."

Apparently, being a woman scorned, I'm expected to behave a certain way....regardless of my previous actions.  I'm  not perfect but, I am loyal, honest and generous with my time and energy.

Now, "being that I'm a woman" I'm expected to be vindictive and selfish.  Something I've never been before. I think those labels should be directed somewhere else.

I think that my behavior is perfectly justified given the circumstances.  I don't understand how putting myself first and protecting my own interest makes me untrustworthy.

Thankfully, the people who know me, know that they need not question MY character.

Summertime, Baseball, BBQ's and Roasting Weiners

Another indiscretion, public humiliation and loose women crawling out from under their rocks. More material for comics and writers.

I haven't really been reading the "news" articles about Mr. Weiner because, they are simply full of the same "blah, blah, blah."  I've been going straight to the comments and, I gotta say that a lot of you people out there in the webiverse are darn funny..... but then, it is an easy setup.

Let's face it, this kind of behavior is not going to end with this guy.  He is simply another in the never ending list of men whose egos are so large and self images are  so low that they can't seem to keep it private. And, do they really think that these women they cavort with aren't going to take whatever opportunity they can to cash in on being  "_________" ?  You can fill in the blank.

Ironically, I'm in favor of backing off.  Let the man get whatever help he needs so he can get back to the important job our tax dollars are paying for.

Instead, maybe we should use this as a teaching opportunity.  Let's talk to our sons and daughters about respecting themselves as well as others. Remind them that if they put it out on the airwaves, it will NEVER remain private. Admit to them that even people who seem to have it all make mistakes.

"People in glass houses....." right? 

Freedom

On July 4, 1776, fifty-six delegates of the Continental Congress ratified the Declaration of Independence, declaring our intention to become free states separate from the rule of the British Empire. 

I got my independence on June 11, 2011.

Growing up in the United States, I believe that many of us take our freedom for granted.  Most of us  wake up in the morning at the time we choose to wake.  We go to the kitchen and choose what to eat and when to eat it.  We go to the jobs of our choice, talk on the phone without time limits and travel freely.  As of January 1, 2010, 1,612,171 men and women in Federal and State prisons did not have these freedoms. In May  of that year, I became one of them.

For five months, I was told when to wake and sleep, what to eat, what to wear and where to go work for 12 cents per hour.  My calls were subject to approval and limited to 15 minutes.  I rarely got out of bed in the middle of the night to use the bathroom out of fear of interrupting  count time and being punished by having what little contact I had with the outside world be taken from me.  During five more months on house arrest, I was limited in my travel, had to call my PO if I wanted to pick up extra shifts at work and was completely stressed if I knew I was going to be even one minute late getting home at my federally approved curfew.

Never again will I say that I'm having a bad day because, I lived with 300 women who have bad days everyday for years.

The end of my 10 month sentence was celebrated this weekend with many good friends.  It was a long and wonderful day.  As tired as I was, I stayed out until 5 am strictly because I could.

Now I live in a different prison. It's a prison created in my mind, because I am still having a hard time putting 11 years behind me.  No matter where I go, or who I'm with, I still think of him.  I can't escape the memories I have and the pain that comes with them. 

I've lost my career, my freedom and the man I wanted to spend my life with. I've had many labels in my lifetime:  daughter, sister, aunt, friend, girlfriend and teacher.  Now I add a new label: FELON.

So what do I do now?  The only thing I can do.... take each day as it comes and rebuild my life.  As an inmate, my choices were limited, but not anymore. 

The next time you have a "bad day", consider this:  Most of you don't live with 300 people who share 20 toilets and showers.  You went into your closet and had a multitude of colors to choose from.  You most likely didn't wait in line for 45 minutes to have a Chef's salad for dinner (only served once every 5 weeks).  You talked on the phone without a friendly recorded message reminding you that the call was being made by an inmate in a Federal prison.  You smoked your cigarette or drank your beer on the comfort of a couch.  Your coffee actually tasted GOOD.  You hugged your children, kissed your significant other and maybe took a parent out to lunch.  You had the freedom to make choices.

So really..... how was your day?

It's a Blessing... and a Curse

Finally!.... Back with a computer on my lap.   I can't believe I survived without it, because blogging is  SO not easy on a smartphone. Technology is a wonderful thing, but for every good there is an evil. 

The demise of my relationship was "enhanced" by technology, from the "cheating via texting" to his new "relationship" being outed to me on Facebook.  It's ironic that I consider using technology  to find my next boyfriend.

I met Wyatt the old fashioned way.... drunk at a bar.  The idea of meeting someone online seems so strange to me.  Similar to video dating in the 70's and chatrooms in the 80's, it all really seems like catalog shopping for a mate,  very anonymous and cold. 

Online dating, though, does have its advantages.  It certainly makes being shallow much easier.  Those with experience will tell you that "success" in online dating is dependent on how well your profile is written.  Now, I could tell you some tips on how to  make a profile interesting and dynamic, but I think I'd rather share a short list of things that will cause me to pass right over someone. This list may come off as shallow and overly picky, but considering what I've just been through, I'm going to just go with it and call it "cautious."

1.  Your profile pic: Make sure I can see your face and for goodness sake KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON! (Do I really have to elaborate here?)
2.  Don't use LOL and OMG. Leave the acronyms to Facebook. I'm not interested in dating a 12 year old girl.
3.  Take the time to use correct spelling and grammar.  I've seen better writing from my 5th graders. 
4.  If you're going to go on about all of the wonderful activities you participate in and traveling that you love to do, you might want to also mention the job that you have that helps pay for it all.  (Sorry, that comes from my experience living in a resort town.)
5.  Don't pull a Billy Ray Cyrus with inappropriate pictures of you and your teenage daughter. (ewwww)

In addition, I'll pass over anyone who smokes, drinks more than socially, marks everything with "I'll Tell You Later," quotes bible verses,  or for ANY use of the word "sexy".  I'm sure that I'm passing over a couple of nice guys using this process, but I'm willing to take my chances.

In reality, I still don't feel ready to buy anything from the "boyfriend catalog", but I suppose that, in the meantime,  I can do a little window shopping.

Miss Me Yet?

Yardwork, spring cleaning, purging the closest of clothes too large for me (yay), a computer meltdown (boo).  All things that have kept me from writing. Well, those things and the fact that I just haven't been inspired.

5 months after my world seemed to end, I'm still very hurt and angry. I've let go of the idea of Wyatt and I ever being friends.  Friendship is what HE wants.  Once again, thinking only of himself and not of me. He says that he always wants me in his life.  He had that and he let it go.  "Too bad, you blew it." Now he has someone else in his life and that is ok. They are two of a kind and deserve whatever "happiness" they create.

I, in the meantime, will continue doing what I need to to heal myself. I'm not ready for another relationship, but at least the idea of it doesn't make me ill anymore.

So, now for the next phase of this blog. I've lived with evil (and yes I do still define his actions as evil, maybe not intentional, but evil none the less).  Now is the time to learn to trust again. 

I look forward to making the most of this summer in my little mountain paradise. Hopefully, it will be inspirational.

NEXT TIME: "Dating in the New Millenium"

So What Else is New?

So, here we go again.  Another high profile couple brought down by lies and infidelity.  My 80 year old mother called and asked me, "Why can't men keep their pants on?"  I found it funny that she was actually shocked by the ex-governator's actions.

Cheating is nothing new that's for sure.  Historically, taking a mistress has been perfectly acceptable and in many cultures still is.  What seems to have changed are the way we have gone from despising "adulterers" to rewarding them.  Hundreds of years ago "unlawful fornicators" faced public humiliation.  Now what do we do?  We give them media attention.  Hester Prynne wore a scarlet letter .... Monica Lewinsky got a cameo on Saturday Night Live.

Will women come crawling out of the woodwork like they did with Tiger Woods?  I'm sure many will come looking for their 15 minutes of fame, and unfortunately society will give it to them.  Meanwhile, what about the family damaged by the selfish actions of two people (or more)?  It's hard enough to deal with the consequences of infidelity as a civilian much less as someone who is constantly in the public eye.

I hope that the media gives the family the privacy they need and  the public doesn't give attention to fame seeking floozies.  Like pigs flying and hell freezing over.... it's highly unlikely.

What Are the Odds?

In 1986, Newsweek published the article "The Marriage Crunch," basically stating that:

"White, college-educated women who failed to marry in their 20s faced abysmal odds of ever tying the knot.” .....  “According to the research, a woman who remained single at 30 had only a 20 percent chance of ever marrying. By 35, the probability dropped to 5 percent."....and the most infamous line, that a 40-year-old single woman was "more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than to ever marry.

These statements were made following a formal study that claimed the likelihood of marriage for a never-previously-wed, 40 year old, university educated  American woman was 2.6%.  A statistic that would disquiet older single women for decades to come.

I believe that I am still unmarried by choice.  When it comes to guys, I've made few good choices and a myriad of poor ones.  Being a child of divorce, I haven't had many happy marriage role models, so I was never in a rush to tie the knot and start a family.  Given my doubts about the institution of marriage,  I figured that if it was meant to happen,  it would. The topic has come up a few times in a few relationships, but talking about marriage is very different from considering it.  As a result, I've spent my youth having fun, dating inappropriate guys and becoming comfortable with my life. 

46, never-previously-wed, university educated, American woman..... 2.6%.

Even a woman who never planned to marry might be a little nervous right now, but I've done some research and it's not as bad as it seems.

Life is different in 2011.  Forty is the new Thirty, haven't you heard?  We live longer, so we choose to play longer.  It's become more acceptable for women put off marriage in order to establish their careers.  Attitudes of when or even if to get married have changed.  According to the 2010 census, women and men are waiting longer to legally commit.   Given these changes over the past decades, can we really determine odds? 

I'm certainly not going to sweat it.  I am no spinster or old maid.  I still look decent in a pair of shorts.  I'm just picky when it comes to getting married, and I know that I am not alone.  There are a lot of never-previously-wed, 40 something men out there.  Check any large dating website if you don't believe me. 

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/26/marriage-and-women-over-40/

I Think It Happened

I haven't written much lately, but that is a good thing. The night before my birthday was very difficult, but it was beneficial, I was busy having a breakthrough. It was a moment of acceptance that is very difficult to describe.  I forced myself to say aloud the truths about my relationship. I accepted my part in failure, and the things that were out of my control. 

Disney has given women unrealistic expectations of what we expect in a relationship.  We want our perfect man, who will do and say the perfect thing.  We picture scenarios and create dialogues, and are truly disappointed when things don't happen the way we envisioned. Pornography has done the same thing to men.

I had to let go of my romantic comedy, John Hughes, Disney influences.  I accepted that our relationship is not going to be different and he is not going to magically be my Prince Charming.  I acknowledged that I was at fault for accepting less than what I deserved.  My definition for this breakthrough...  "I gave up hope." 

What a sad idea that was to me, that giving up hope would be a good thing. 

I Hear What You're Saying

Some people have expressed their concerns over my and Wyatt's attempt to be friends, and most of their concern is for me.  Trust me that I understand what you're saying and you're right, it is making it harder on me.

I don't know anyone who hasn't heard or said "We'll always be friends" at the end of a relationship.  When we're young, we actually believe that can happen. Through trial and error, we discover that it just doesn't work that way.  We  eventually learn that the best thing is a clean break and a lot of time.

I'm sure he and I are not the first couple who would like to think that we are different.  That regardless of all of the hard times, we had a special connection and we can actually survive this.  Who knows?  Maybe we can..... but not without a clean break and a lot of time first. 

Yes, I am emotional, fragile and vulnerable.  I am also hurt, angry and untrusting.  I was once told, "It's at times like this when you find out who your real friends are." In the last 5 months, my idea of what love and friendship really are has changed drastically.  I've had to reevaluate and separate the "friends" and "friendlies,"  and with that I've debated which Wyatt would be (regardless of what anyone thinks he deserves).  I believe that actions speak louder than words.  His actions will determine how he fits in my life.

The bottom line is that I have a good idea of what is best for me.  I know what has been helpful and what has not.  I've learned to keep my eyes open, and question things.  Some may not see that as a positive, but at this moment it is for me.  

Wyatt had this attitude of "If I can't fix it, I'll break it" that I didn't truly understand until now.  This was a long relationship, and my journey will not be fast or painless.  I  accept that I can't fix it so, I am trying to break it... to break me, by trying to hurry along the inevitable breakdown.  Hoping that each breakdown is a breakthrough and that the last breakthrough was the last.  It's what I need to do for me.

Thank you, but don't worry, I can handle it. I have a great support system.

The Special Days

I expect days like today to be hard. Especially the firsts. The first birthday apart, the first anniversary, the first holiday.  After 11 years, I am so used to making my plans with him, and I'm feeling a little lost today.

The best thing for me to do? Keep busy, keep my mind on other things, and distract myself as much as possible. Thank goodness for friends and family.

I can break down tomorrow.

Not as Easy as You'd Hope

I've been thinking about my future... the about a year from now future.  I 've had a plan bouncing around in my head for a week or so, a plan for an adventure, a 3-5 year plan. In this future, I am alone, taking care of myself and enjoying my independence.

I was discussing it with a friend last week.  He loved the idea, but had to ask, "What happens if you meet someone?"

My first reaction?   "No way, won't happen. I don't want it."

Actually, I hadn't even considered the possibility.   I had thought that I was ready to envision the man of my dreams, but I hadn't included him in my near future.  Possibly, it was because this is for me and attatchments just don't fit into the equation, and/or it 's about the fear of investing time and emotion only to be hurt again. The incredibly STUPID truth is....(FYI, I rarely use that word)....  I still love HIM.  (THAT'S why I used that word.)

He's hurt and betrayed me, there's no denying it.  He's lost my trust and my respect.  Our good times are clouded by doubt.  He's broken something that may never be repaired.  Yet, he still has my love and compassion?   What is wrong with me?  Oh, how easy life would be if we could control our feelings with a simple switch,  to be able to turn love off and just walk away.  I want to just say, "OK, enough caring about him today.... move along!"  Actually, I do say that sometimes, it just hasn't worked out for me yet.

Yes, yes.... time.... blah blah.... eventually.... blah blah..... someday..... blah. 

Right now.... it's easier to be a cynic.

Feeling Pretty Darn Good

I've got to say that I'm backing meds.  It's been a great week.  The purging has only just begun. Lost items have been found, things have been repaired and I've even managed to take down the last of the Christmas decorations.  I've cried once or twice, but nothing close to the way I was last week. It feels good to get back to living life. 

I've never been much of a pill person, for illness or recreation.  I fight through pain, forget to take my vitamins, and usually skip a day when I'm taking antibiotics.  As far as anti-depressants go, I'll have to admit that the warnings on those commercials make me a little nervous. At some point though, I had to accept that things couldn't continue the way they were. I gave in and asked for help... and I'm ok with that.

Let's Face It

A few months ago, I bought a blu-ray player.  It didn't take long for it to start malfunctioning and typically, I didn't take it back until now.  Of course, I was a little irked that it had to be sent back for repairs and would take 2-4 weeks.  I shuddered at the thought of having to go without Netflix streaming in my comfy and safe bedroom.  I took a deep breath, considered my options and  decided that I would move the Wii from the living room.   My poor dusty Wii, a virtual stranger to me after 2 years of ownership.  It was my 9 year old niece who showed me how to upload pictures to it.

And,  I sit here now, installing and updating, adding new devices and browsing.  Checking out the bells and whistles that I overlooked before.  I think that I may actually enjoy this better....  Maybe the "bad" thing that had irked me earlier was actually a good thing.  Maybe I needed to get to know my Mii a little better.

I could say "Everything happens for a reason" or  "God moves in mysterious ways",  that something good always from bad,  or blame Karma or Fate....  Let's face it, life is made up of good and bad times, and that's just the way life is.  Eventually, depending on attitude or resilience or the strength of our meds,  we recover and move on.

I don't think that I can say I recovered quite yet, but I think that I'm ready to start seeing the good.   Maybe I'm ready to get to know Me a little better.

A Better Day

Maybe it's the sunshine, maybe it's the little helpers that I got from Pharmacist... but, I feel hopeful today.

It's nice to be able to wake up and pop right out of bed.  I can't remember the last time that happened.  I feel like Snow White as I whistle while I work.  This energy makes me want to be productive.  Even the dog can feel it.  She knows it's a dog park day.

This will be a good day to start on that list of projects to finish (written 7 months ago).  The first project.... an ol' fashioned springtime cleaning.  I can't think of a better time to purge my home of unnecessary things and lighten the load.  It's finally time to paint the walls and rearrange the furniture.  Ah, the power of spring.

I don't want to jinx anything , but let's be realistic. I know that it can all come crashing down on me.  That's what depression does.  The key is to take advantage of those great days and do as much as possible.  That way I won't feel guilty for sitting on my butt for a week.  Eventually, I'll have more productive days than butt sitting days.

Progress Report

It's been three months since the breakup and it's time to evaluate my progress.

Moments of sadness and anger still overwhelm me daily.  There is still that pain in the center of my chest. Some days are getting easier than others. It's a slow improvement, but I'll take it.

The ex and I are trying to keep an open line of communication. We are still dealing with the business of separating, and trying to be supportive of each other emotionally. We are friendly, but nothing close to being friends.

On the brighter side....I've changed my diet and have managed loose 8 pounds. Yay me!   Can't say that I've been getting much exercise though. The bowflex remains a coat rack, and I couldn't even begin to figure out where my running shoes are. I am feeling a little more energetic each day, just in time for summer.  I'm looking forward to warm days on the boat and hikes with the dog.

I haven't gone back to trying meditation yet. For some reason, I feel like I should already be in a peaceful state when I begin.  It's like straightening up the house before the cleaning lady gets there. I needed time to vent, and release the pent up negative energy that was eating at me.  I still have a lot of emotion that needs to be released. I need to cleanse my soul.

As far as a social life... I'm not ready.  My walls are too high, and I've lost faith in people.  I go out with friends and hang with the roommates, but being around people is   hard. I find myself craving isolation. 

I still need to work on my obsession that everything has to happen right now. Time....... "Time will tell", "Time heals all wounds",  "Time is our friend."  It's time for me to take some deep breaths and  keep myself occupied.  One day I'll wake up refreshed and energetic. I'll  hum happy songs and laugh easily. I won't see it coming, it just will.

One day I'll wake up and realize that I'm happy.

Passion or Friendship?

I've seen  relationships start with a fling, and I've known couples who started out as friends. Passion and friendship can either start a relationship or develop within  it.  If the balance is right love can grow. Both are aspects of a lasting relationship, but when it comes down to importance, does one win out over the other?

Passion is the factor that separates lovers from friends.  Passion can rise and recede during the span of a relationship. It can be nurtured and grow with trust and respect.  Passion makes us feel loved, important and desired, but it it's not what holds a relationship together.

Most of hours of the day are not spent being passionate. Couples deal with the everyday things that come with life, like finances, family, and work. We need to support and entertain each other. We look for a partner and confidant... a friend. Friendships grow and change overtime just as much as passion does. Views change and friends disagree.  The luckiest of us are able to work through our problems and grow together.

There will be times when it's more important to be a lover or be a friend. In the end though, when I'm 85 and in the retirement home, it will be my friend holding my hand.  He will be the man who's company I enjoy most.  We will understand each other better than we understand ourselves. We will have built a life together.  Physical passion will fade away, but my friend will always be there.

The Importance of Pets

I love the feeling of soft fur curled up next to me, or a cold nose nudging me awake in the morning.  Growing up, we always had cats. I remember that when I was the saddest, my  brother's cat would come to cuddle with me, rubbing and purring more than ever.  My mom said that animals are instinctual, they know when you need them most.

These days, I have two cats and a dog. One cat, who lived in the laundry room for the better part of three years, has barely left my bed since February. The other slept under the covers with me for three weeks straight.  My dog has taken to escaping through the broken fence, only to go around to the front door and bark. This act forces me to get out of bed to let her in. She will do this continually, until I give up and stay in the living room. They know what I need better than most humans. They know when to cuddle up with me and when to take me for a walk.

How is it that animals are so sensitive?  They can feel the shift of the earth prior to a quake, sense the change of tone in a voice, the change of the mood in a room.  How do they know that tears are a sign of pain?  What is it about them that makes their mere presence so consoling?

It's Time to Start Being Selfish

I will often put others first, I have a generous soul. I've been burned a lot because of it, too. It's not that I'm an easy target for scams, actually I am very skeptical of strangers. I tend to be taken advantage of by people close to me. These days, it doesn't take much to lose my trust, and it's become very easy to cut some people out of my life.

It's time that I start putting myself first for once. It's been such a long time and I've forgotten how to do that. Where do I start?  It's about so much more than taking a personal day every week.  I need to take a personal inventory... evaluate some relationships. I need to surround myself, protect myself, with the trusted few.

Cleaning out the friend closet won't be hard. My standards are pretty high.... Don't lie to me. If someone has to lie to me to save face or to hide something, then we really aren't friends are we? I don't think that's unfair or too much to expect. In the past, I was too trusting and couldn't see the lies. Now I question everything.  It's amazing what lies you hear when your head is clear and eyes are open.

My ability to trust the people close to me is the first step in looking out for number one. No more wasted time listening to stories, excuses and lies.

Have Faith in Yourself

People don't change really. Jealousy doesn't go away with the next relationship; people who play childish games rarely grow up; poor choices are made over and over again. Some who trust too easily may be shy at first, after getting burned, but will most likely go back to being too trusting again.  How sad is it that something as beautiful as trust can also be  considered a hazardous trait?

"An eye for an eye" and "turn the other cheek," I've always loved that these two opposing viewpoints come from the same book. I'm a Buddhist though and believe in Karma... What goes around comes around... You get what you give. "So, if your such a good person, why are all of these bad things happening to you," you may ask?   Because, 1. I am not perfect,  b. Bad things happen to good people, and ..... Good people overcome hardship.

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
- Anonymous

It's about character....

This Might Actually Work

Finally.... a real reason to stay in bed all day. I've been taken down by a bug. It was bound to happen with all of the stress and emotional upheaval.  I wasn't really going out of my way to take care of myself either. The timing couldn't be better though.... I had just started a cleanse. 

The first few days of living on steamed vegetables and lean proteins was difficult due to the temptation of fried food and sushi rolls at work and my roommates' affinities for junk food and cheese. So, I drank my 84 oz. of water, filled up on salad at work and avoided the kitchen at home. Getting sick has actually been beneficial.

Having a cough is a great excuse for not eating dairy. With my lack of energy, I'm not too inspired to do a lot of cooking, thus making it easier to stick to nuts, soup, carrots and avocados.  I'm not getting much exercise though, and I'm not sure if it's true that you burn more calories when you're sick. Something must be working .... I've lost six pounds. This cleanse is supposed to last for 3 weeks. I'm not sure that I can stay sick that long.

The Accidental Writer

Believe it or not, I wasn't much for keeping a journal when I was growing up.  I was always more of a situational writer ~ high school poetry attempts, college essays, letters and postcards, a travel journal from my trip to Europe.  They don't say too much, but they bring back memories. I read them and I think of the music, the clothes, the people. I remember the small events that individually mean little but as a whole make up my life.

Blogging has been a new experience for me. It's been a valuable place to rant, question.... opine.  It has been great therapy. Sometimes though, my inspiration to write comes from a place that is far too personal to be discussed here. Lately, my "postings" have been to my private journal.

My private journal is my safe place. The flood of emotion that goes into it is liberating. I can express my fears and dreams without fear of being judged. I can vent and be cruel and forgive myself for it. There, I can be honest with myself regardless of how much it hurts.  My journal is the only person I can completely trust right now. My journal is me.

What If......

If it were a matter of life or death, could you kill someone?  How would you react if your partner confessed to cheating?  If you found out that your child had committed a crime, could you turn him/her in?

Why do we even bothering to ask these hypothetical questions?  Are we in a debate over the ethics of society?  Are we going through our own moral checklist? ("Sure in self defense"- check..." Adultery bad"- check.... "It would depend on the crime"-check)  Or, are we simply trying to warn others of potential danger? ("Yes son, I'd turn you in in a split second, so just don't do it!")

We would like to think that we would know how we'd react. We often backup our answers with lessons from a spiritual upbringing. We believe in karma or "an eye for an eye." The books we read, places of worship we attend and the lessons taught to us by our parents and teachers all affect what choices we would make. Then, the debates begin, more what-ifs, and we begin to question ourselves.

Those annoying what-ifs. Those annoying variables that are rarely considered, but sometimes can have an impact on a situation. Kids are excellent at them, just do a "Man with Gun on Campus" drill at an elementary school. Usually around the "What if I have to fart and the gunman smells it" question, a teacher says, "Don't worry about the what-ifs. There are just some things you can't prepare for."

We can debate morality and hypothesize over the variables. We can borrow from the experiences of others and feel confident in what we would do or say. Prepare all we can, the truth is: We will never really know how we will respond to a given situation until we experience it.

"My Life" The Soundtrack

Some people (me) go through life with the radio on but not really listening to the music. Isn't strange that whenever we experience a time of emotional upheaval, we seem to be more aware of the lyrics, which always seem be perfectly express what we are going through?

My soundtrack started with songs about repairing a struggling relationship. Then, some Alanis Morrisette kicked in with songs of betrayal. Every other track has some sort of phoenix rising from the ashes theme. Every now and then there is a song that gives false hope.  Some songs give me strength and other have me breaking down into tears.

I would give anything to be back in the days when my life had a John Hughes movie soundtrack. Is it too much to still hope for my "16 Candles" ending, sitting on the dining room table with my Jake Ryan, kissing over a candle?

"It's Not Easy Not Easy Being Green" - Kermit the Frog

It's time to get serious about my health. I'm giving myself 9 weeks to lose 30 pounds. That's 3 pounds per week.   The experts say that 1-2 pounds per week is more realistic, but I'm figuring that if I work extra workouts in, I can at least come close.  Experts also say that the key to weight loss is 10% genetics, 10% exercise, and 80% diet. I have the motivation to do this. I'm not getting any younger or thinner.

As I'm writing out my grocery list, I'm keeping in mind of which things I need to buy organic, what is local and in season, which animals have been treated humanely and what is chemical free. Then I start to obsess.

I've always considered myself "environmentally conscientious." My family has always recycled and conserved water. I've been using canvas bags since 1984. But being "green" is about so much more these days. It's buying organic and local, eating clean, calculating your carbon footprint, supporting the local merchants and using sustainable materials. We are encouraged to boycott greedy corporations with unfair labor practices, protest against bad political policies, support our troops, and support our local girl scouts (part of the reason I need to drop 30 pounds). Save the dolphins, worry about global warming, leave as little impact on the Earth as possible.

There is a lot that goes into being "environmentally conscientious" these days. Can I really do it all?  If you've seen the documentary "No Impact Man," you know that yes, you can, but it's not always easy or comfortable and definitely not convenient.

We'd like to say that we can do it all, but can we really? And, do we really want to?  It's got to be about balance. About doing what is realistic in our lives at the time. I was taught that if 100 people recycle one can per day every day of the year, that's 36,500 cans recycled per year. That  I can make a difference even with the smallest change.

So, I need to practice making small changes over time, and to know that with each change, I reduce my impact on the earth. 

I need to apply this to my personal life and  stop being obsessed with wanting it all to happen immediately. To know that with every small change, I grow just a little stronger in body, mind and spirit.

Trust Me

Have you ever noticed that the people who say "trust me" are usually the same people who have already proven that they can't be trusted?

You would think that trust could be easily categorized. For example, "I trust you to watch my house when I'm out of town, but I know you will lie to me about anything, if it means that you are covering your own ass", or "I can trust you to drive my car, but I can't trust you to not take the money out of the ashtray."

I've come to realize that when trust is lost with me, it's across the board. Once I've learned that you betrayed my trust EVERYTHING is under question...... That really sucks.

Now, I understand what my mom said to me as a kid when she caught me in my first serious deception."Once you've lost my trust, you will have to work to get it back, and it will take a long time before I can trust you again."

Trust has to be proven everyday. It goes beyond lies and deception. It's about follow through and reliability. It is like a fragile crystal vase. It's easily shattered and often impossible to repair. If it's worth repairing, you have to put effort and time into it. It requires careful handling and a lot of patience.

And, if what you are repairing is REALLY that important.....you have to accept the fact that it may never be as strong as it was before.

Unbroken

I have to admit that I was a little inspired by Kirstie Alley today.  After an embarrassing fall on national television, Kirstie went with friends to a Hollywood tattoo parlor to get her first ink.... "Unbroken," a word to describe her inner and outer strength.

The last 3 years have been especially hard for me and as I'm coming out of the darkness, a little bruised but better than many would expect,  I've been thinking about my own next tattoo.  I've had many ideas, but nothing good enough to commit to for the rest of my life. Then I was inspired by a single word. Hmmm.... "A woman in search of a word."  Then,  I realized that I already have my word, and it's been at the bottom of these pages every day..... Water Bear, the symbol of my strength.

A Water Bear (Tardigrade) is a microscopic, water dwelling, segmented animal. They can be found all over the world from the high Himalayas to the deep sea, from the equator to the polar regions. They are able to survive in extreme environments as cold as −273 °C (−459 °F), and as hot as 151 °C (304 °F), withstand extreme radiation, and go without water for almost a decade.  They were exposed to the vacuum of space and not only survived, but laid eggs that hatched normally. It is the ultimate survivor.

I'm  a  WaterBear.  So.... tattoo the word, or a picture?

The Bucket List

Some people are afraid to be alone. Actually, I think that probably most people fear being alone at one time or another. Some people, though, are so afraid of it that they jump straight from relationship to relationship, often starting one before ending the other. I suppose that it provides some sort of comfort and distraction, but there's something to be said for allowing yourself to be unattached.

Often we forget how to take care of ourselves. We spend time caring for our partners, our families, friends and peers. We may take a moment for a bath or a quiet cocktail, but for the most part we ignore and put off our own needs.  I did that for 11 years, and things are about to change. It's about time that I get back to planning MY life and start doing the things that make ME happy. Time for me to start taking care of myself first.

So I have...
                               The Woman's Breakup Recovery Bucket List

1. Get a professional makeover, preferably in NY on "Kathie Lee and Hoda"
2. Be a contestant on a game show.
3. Run a marathon.
4. Start a company.
5. Go on an island vacation with my girlfriends.

I'll keep adding to this list as I work on my first project. I'm trying to limit it to things that will make me feel confident and give me a sense of accomplishment. If anyone out there has a suggestion, feel free to comment.

Good Day Sunshine

Depression is an interesting phenomena. A few days ago, I couldn't move. I couldn't take a breath without sobbing. Today, I wake up after 4 hours of sleep for the second night in a row and I'm more productive than ever. Survival mode I suppose.  I can only let things go for so long until I am forced to deal with life.

So I'll take advantage of the new found energy. I'll make the house look like a home. I'll take care of my adult responsibilities. There is no telling how long this window of opportunity will last.

I'll get through this one day at a time.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Had to take a few days off.  Sometimes trying to stay strong isn't so easy. This is the part of the 7 Stages of Grief when "a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you." Uh, ya think? And of course, coming along with it were the attempts "to talk me out of it by well meaning outsiders."  That along with the isolation, reflection and feelings of emptiness and despair, was just enough to take me under the sheets for a couple of days.

People who have never experienced depression have a difficult time understanding it.  They view it as a sadness that someone could just "snap out of."  It makes me think of all of those depression medication commercials and how we laugh at the side effect disclaimers.... "may cause nausea, insomnia, suicidal thoughts or death." Um, WHY am I taking this medication? Though we may laugh, the commercials are right. They point out that depression is physical as well as emotional. As those who have felt it can relate to the heaviness of the body, the inability to move, the desire to just go back to sleep and the disappointment upon waking.

Now, my health conscious friends are telling me how beneficial yoga would be for me. I totally agree... if I could only find the strength to get out of bed. It's a catch-22, I need to eat right and exercise, but all I can keep down are comfort foods, and I can barely find the strength to even get to the kitchen. This physical response to depression may have to be dealt with by something a little stronger than a positive attitude.

For now, I'm just grateful that there seems to be more time between the low days.

Some Days Just Suck

Some days are just harder than others. Some days you just feel let down and abandoned. Some days it's just too hard to be positive no matter how hard you try.

Sometimes those days blend together and become weeks.

I know that some day I'll wake up and feel good again. I just wish I knew when.

Alcohol and Technology.... a Dangerous Combo

I am NOT an alcoholic. I can go out to eat and just order water. I am able to have the same bottle of bourbon in the house for weeks. I don't invite people to my home JUST so they will bring booze. I do not resort to buying cheap booze because all I have is the change that I scrounged out of the ashtray of my car.  However, I am a social drinker and unfortunately, I have roommates who are of that "I don't have to work tomorrow, so I'm doing shots" stage.

It didn't take much for me to realize that depression and drinking are not a good combination for me. When I drink I get very talkative, and the topics of conversation depend on my mood at the time. I think it's pretty clear what is occupying my mind these days. I am very thankful  for the patience and understanding of those around me. They were more polite than I could be, because frankly, I was boring the crap out of myself.

Also, thanks to technology, drunk dialing is not the only hazard to drinking while broken hearted.... we now have drunk texting. I honestly couldn't tell you which is worse. Wyatt might have an opinion.

Personal growth change #1..... I'm done drinking, at least until I know that I can talk about something that other people might actually want to hear.

How to Quiet Your Brain in a Multi-tasking World

The title is actually more of a question than a statement. I tried meditation this morning, and it was the longest 3 minutes of my life.  How hard can it really be? Well... finding any block of time free of interruption is the first challenge and I don't even have children. And the whole quieting my brain thing?  Hahahahahahahahahahahaha......

When did I become such a multi-tasker? I must have been the last kid on the block to get a laptop and cell phone. Believe it or not, 6 years ago I could wait until I got home to make a phone call and even used a pen and calendar for organizing my appointments. But now, I look at my computer screen and I see 6 tabs open.  I am busy checking out emails, blogging statistics, news, and websites for fitness classes in my area.  Sitting beside me on my right are my android and house phones ringing and buzzing.  On my left? Pen and paper... for my list of all the things I need to get done today. (Which I will most likely lose.)

Personal growth is hard for a person who can't work on one thing at a time. Where do I start?  What do I do? Where do I go? Who can I get to help me? I am so NOT a patient person and it doesn't help when my *ADD days have the potential to turn into ADD weeks. I guess that this is the point of "personal growth." I need to recognize what changes I need to make and actually change, one day at a time, one change at a time.

Having too much to do isn't  all bad though. At least it's keeping my mind off of the painful stuff (most of the time). Things need to get done, otherwise it will be hard to empty my mind when I meditate. Ah.... that vicious circle.

So, this is my life right now, but it's a lot better than hiding under the covers with my door locked watching old TV streaming on Netflix. That was yesterday.

*ADD- Attention Deficit Disorder

Do We Really Want to Know the Truth?

The hardest part about this breakup is dealing with hurt of deception and the loss of trust.  I don't know all of the lies, but I know enough to now doubt everything. I have no clue what I can believe, and who I can trust.  Will finding out the truth really help me? Or, will it just reopen old wounds and drag me back to where I was two months ago? 

"Knowledge is Power"..... Why do I need to know?  I need to figure out where I went wrong.  Did I see the signs, but not say anything because I was blinded by love?  Did I catch him in lies, but allow him to talk his way out of them? I need to know because I need to figure out how I could be so easily fooled. I need to learn from this and so it doesn't happen again.

"The Truth Hurts"..... Knowing the truth comes with the caveat that that I have to deal with the pain it brings. Is it possible for me to be hurt anymore deeply than I already am? I have been advised to just cut off all communication, focus on myself and move forward.  I can't do that until I have an understanding of what went so wrong. I can't do that by myself.

And so what if, in the search for honesty, he just continues to lie to me? .... Why bother continuing with lies?  It's too late to save face and feelings are already hurt.  Continuing to lie will serve no purpose. I'm ready to hear the truth from the only person who can tell it. Hopefully he's not lying to himself.

Dating..... bleh.....

"Never leave something to find something better. Because once you've realized you had the best; the best has found better." -Benny Ahonima

I can't imagine myself with someone else. I know that "I deserve better" and "I can do better." But come on, this is 11 years we're talking about. After 11 years, you've become comfortable and secure. Is that really a BAD thing?  We could speak to each other with a gesture and read each other's body language. I knew that a houseful of candlelight didn't mean that the power was out.  I wanted to spend every moment with him. All I ever wanted from this man was his love and his time. That's how deeply my love for him had grown and it took years to cultivate.

Even though he violated my trust and cast doubt that anything between us was real, I  still can't imagine being with someone else. I have such a hard time believing that I could have been so wrong about him. Wrong or right, I trusted him enough to drop my protective walls. I can't imagine letting someone else get that close to me.

I work in the public and cross paths with many people every day. My friends are constantly pointing out good looking guys. They encourage me to flirt, and the only way that I can respond is.........bleh.  I am so not interested.  I can't even bring myself to flirt with someone..... (OMG, I'm going to spend my life alone)....much less consider an actual date.

How is it that guys have no problem doing this?  Why is it SO easy for a guy to just move on to the next woman?  What entity decided that it was fair to give men some sort of emotional switch, but not women?

With a Little Help from My Therapist

Three and a half years ago my world started falling apart. Wyatt and I stood by each other through the whole thing. As  helpful as it was to have him, I knew that I needed more. I needed  to talk to someone that wasn't him. I needed to talk to someone about him. Not my friends, not my family, but someone who could actually help, someone not so close. 

I found myself a professional, and I spent 5 months in counseling. Apparently it was helping, because someone very close to me  said that he could really tell that  something was different. I seemed more calm and able to handle things better. I agreed that I felt good, positive, patient. I felt that therapy was helping me grow as a person.  Knowing a thing or two about his past and family history, I suggested that he try out professional counseling as well. His response? "I don't need therapy.... I'm perfect." (Laughter ensued, but at the time he was very serious.)

What is it about therapy that puts people so on edge? Are we so egotistical that we can't accept the fact that others can help us?  Do we think that, if we are in therapy it must mean that we are weak or crazy? Or, are we afraid of what we may learn about ourselves? That we are imperfect and capable of making poor decisions.

It's fine to rely on close friends, family and spouses for the everyday problems of life. It's called poker night, girl's night out, retail therapy, a bitch session. But, how about when it's not so simple? Those problems that keep coming back because we just haven't figured out how to do things right. It sure couldn't hurt to find a good therapist.

I believe that a good therapist is not a talker but a listener, taking the time to get to know you in order to lead you. A good therapist will not only ask you questions, but will ask you to question yourself.  My therapist never told me what I was doing wrong in my life, I was able to figure that out myself. What my therapist did was make me understand why I was doing those things. Once I began to understand what was driving me, I was able to approach things differently, in a way that was less destructive.

There are many easy "therapeutic" things that we can do to help deal with stress and depression.  We can read self-help books, watch inspirational movies, meditate, talk to our friends, journal about it in a blog. These are all things that a therapist would agree are helpful, but often the results are temporary.  We go in circles, feeling better for the moment, forgetting what is really causing the problem, not dealing with it because we are embarrassed or afraid that talking about it will just cause conflict.

It's natural for us to want to talk about our problems, and often it is easier to talk to a stranger. Someone who we can trust to keep secret our innermost fears, who is neutral and able to hold us accountable, who won't judge when we talk about how lost we are. In our journey of life, sometimes we need a guide.

Packing My Bags for My Journey of Self Discovery

"Maybe you're a woman in search of a word." - Sofi... Eat, Pray, Love


I was inspired today. I watched "Eat, Pray, Love" and was truly inspired. Not so much by the idea of taking a year off to live in Italy, India, and Bali, but more by Liz Gilbert's purpose behind her travels. It's about personal growth; finding peace, forgiveness, and the ability to love and respect herself. It's about a woman searching for a word that defines her more deeply than daughter, wife or girlfriend.

I've read before that our personalities are set by age seven and that only traumatic events can cause permanent, meaningful change. Many would argue that we continue to develop as we age because we continue to experience.  It must come down to this:  Which events in our lives do we consider to be traumatic enough to make us change?  Is "devastated" a synonym for "traumatized"?  The devastation of my breakup is about a lot more than the end of a relationship.  I almost ended up losing everything that I worked for, and somewhere along the line, I also lost a part of myself. 

Now, what steps do I take to support my physical, emotional and spiritual growth?  A change of diet and exercise seems easy enough, but is a lot harder in practice than in theory.  People who are spiritual may go on some sort of vision quest or become more involved in their church/temple/ashram. Some may start a project.  More adventurous types might search for new experiences. I say "All of the above!" I mean, try enough things and something has got to work, right?

With my presently limited income, what do I do, where do I go, how do I begin?  Where will my journey to self discovery take me?   It has started with this blog, my project, and  while it has certainly been helping me in my healing process, sitting in front of my computer is not doing enough for my soul, much less my butt.

Not being a traditional church going kind of girl, my first inclination is to turn to meditation. Not the envisioning my future kind of meditation, but the sitting still and quieting my brain kind.  (Hear that?.... That is the sound of the people who know me laughing hysterically.)  It will be a challenge, but first steps often are. So, I'll start there. I'll start with my search for a word by looking deep inside myself.


http://www.personalgrowthplanet.com/

Boundaries

Too often I've been hearing stories of betrayal involving people with no respect for the institution of marriage and long term relationships. People who feed on the vulnerability of someone who is unhappy  and unable to successfully communicate with their partner, so they turn to someone else. I've discussed the topic of cheating before but the focus was on the cheater not the other "offender."

I wonder about the loose morals of these people. They seem to have their own set of rules. To me, they seem simply selfish. They disrespect the relationship that someone is already having. They think that they have some sort of magical ability to do it better. They don't realize that they if they really like someone who is already involved that they should back off, letting that person deal with what's wrong in the first relationship before moving on to another.

I can hear it now...... "If the relationship is so strong, why would someone stray?" "Take care of your partner and they won't look for someone else." These are comments made by the people who cheat, an attempt to justify what they know is wrong in order to make themselves feel better. There are a lot of wonderful terms for these people, none of which I will repeat here because I know that my audience has a very creative vocabulary.

It's not about "saving" someone who is unhappy, about being "who/what makes them happy," it is all about boundaries. It's about respecting that there are two people in a relationship and you are not one of them.

One Heck of an Affirmation

In The Secret,  one of the contributors talks about his "epiphany," the magical moment that happens when someone who knows what they want finally figures out how they will achieve it. For a long time, I've meditated on the future I want. While it's always looked great, it has never felt real. I couldn't feel it because I couldn't see the path that would lead me there, until now. It all starts with gratitude. Not just gratitude for what I have, but gratitude for the things that I know I will achieve.

• I am grateful because I have financial security, gained from hard work, dedication and creativity.
• I am grateful for my emotional health. I am happy, secure, confident and positive.
• I am grateful for my physical health. I eat clean and have the energy to exercise everyday. I am constantly in motion.
• I am grateful for the support of my friends and family.
• I am grateful that I am surrounded by the beauty of nature and am able to enjoy everything that it has to offer me.
• I am grateful for the man with whom I will share my future.  He is funny, affectionate, honest, open, and fun. He is hard-working yet laid back. He is loyal and unafraid to say "I love you" and truly mean it. He is respectful, supportive, ambitious and makes me a priority. He is able to be these things for me because I am able to offer the same to him.

Be grateful every day for what you have, and be grateful for the things you want. Don't be afraid to say it out loud. Every time something negative happens to you, say something positive. It took me a long time to figure out how I would get the things I want out of life, but I I had the faith that it would happen. Now that I've had my epiphany I am able to not only envision my future, but I can feel it.

My path is now set before me. It is up to me to follow it.

The H Word

I let loose with a "curse" word when I had my momentary breakdown last week. I used the H word..... hate.  It's a word that carries a lot of power and is considered by many to be an ugly emotion.  In it's simplest definition, hatred is "often associated with feelings of anger and disposition towards hostility against the objects of hatred."  Hmm, anger and hostility. Yep, I had definitely felt anger and hostility. How could I not?

When I was at my lowest, during my depression/anger/pain and guilt stage, I had a very long conversation with one of my best friends on this topic. She said hate was the work of the devil and, having known me since we were children, assured me that I was NOT a hateful person. I know she's right, but I found it hard to describe with any other word the way I was feeling.  Perhaps I shouldn't look for that all encompassing single word. Maybe it's healthier to recognize each detailed emotion.

Devastated, hurt, betrayed, angry, untrusting, suspicious.  This is the lexicon of my breakup. I must remember that while these feelings seem to linger for what seems like an eternity, they are temporary.  I know that I don't hate my ex. There are a lot of words to describe my feelings for him now, but hate is not one of them.

I once heard that the time it takes to recover from a breakup is usually half the time that the relationship lasted. Five and a half years? I hope not. I don't think that I could handle that. Some people have advised me to go into a rebound relationship to help the process go a little faster, or at least distract me. That's not my style though. So, I continue the process in writing.  I continue to envision my perfect future. I continue to surround myself with positive energy.

Today's affirmation: I am grateful for the support of my friends and family throughout this process. For those who have known when to give me space, when to listen and when to advise.  I am truly blessed.

Mean People

What do you do when mean spirited people continually go out of their way to hurt you?  My first instinct was to write about it and I did.  I wrote, I blasted, I went there.... and it felt good.  Then I was reminded that I am no longer 15, and I tucked it away.

"Take the high road, take the high road, take the high road."

When I was in the second grade, I was a bit of a crybaby and there were 3 boys who took advantage of that fact each day on the playground. And each day, I would run into the classroom to the comfort of my teacher, Mrs F.  She must have grown tired of constantly having to console me, because she sat me down and gave me the sound advice that I have given my own students. "They are just trying to get your goat." Of course, being seven I wasn't sure what she meant, but I was smart enough to ask. She said,  "People will continue to tease you as long as you allow them to get to you. Stand up to them and show them that they can't hurt you, after that, ignore them."

THAT'S the way to deal with hurtful people.  Ignore them;  recognize that their meanness comes from their own insecurities;  don't stoop down to their level;  know that I can only control my actions, not theirs;  what goes around comes around, etc.

I will remember that negative energy and actions come back like a boom-a-rang to only knock you in the back of the head. I really don't need to do anything because the universe will respond accordingly. I will surround myself with positive energy and rise above the urge to give back hurt.

I will always look for a positive in the negatives in my life. There is always something for which to be grateful. I'm grateful that I am constantly being given new writing material.

With a Little Help from My Friends

A girl can live in her pajamas for only so long. Eventually, she has to get up, run a brush through her hair, swish around a little mouthwash and actually leave the house. That's where my friends come in, because if not for them, I'd only go to work. Thanks to them, I've been forced to let the sun shine on my face. We've gone shopping, talked about things other than Wyatt and even had a meal or two (and yes, veggies were involved). It's times like this when you find out who your true friends are and I am truly grateful for these men and women in my life.

Wyatt and I came into our relationship each with our own set of close friends. We are both friendly, sociable and likable people, so getting along with each other's group was never an issue.  After 11 years, I actually became close enough with some of these friends to consider them my friends too, but  now what? I don't expect anyone to take sides. They know who I am as a person and are mature enough to remain friends with both of us. Hopefully, we can continue our friendships with having Wyatt as the glue that holds us together.

But what about the friend who let loose the "truth" about what was going on behind my back? Many people have said, "Lose her number!"

I tried to put myself in her position. As couples, isn't it our job to be each other's confidant? If you have a secret, shouldn't your partner be the one person you can tell? What a horrible position to be in, to know a secret that would be extremely painful to someone who you genuinely like and respect and be expected to be quiet about it.  What would you do? Knowing what I know now, I would have to warn my partner that there are some secrets that I just don't think are right to keep.  For me, keeping a secret about infidelity would be like being a witness to an assault and doing nothing about it.

I am truly blessed for the friends I have. Thank you to the friends who spent hours on the phone with me while I cried, the one who dropped everything to drive 200 miles to be by my side, those who privately messaged me with their own stories and words of encouragement, and all of those who are helping me face the hard truths about my relationship so that I can move on and trust again. And the friend who let out the "secret"? I am not mad that she told me because it was something that I needed to know, I just wish she had done it a long time ago. Forgiveness has to begin somewhere, I think I'll start with her.

Change is Good

I've packed up his belongings, removed pictures from around the house and removed his photos from my computer, but I need a bigger change.  After 11 years together, he is a part of every corner of my home. I own the house and moving is not as easy as it seems, so what do I do?  Paint! Paint and rearrange the furniture! Could it be THAT easy? I hope so because right now I see the ghost of him everywhere I look.

There are all sorts rites and rituals that people practice to signify the ending of an important event. We burn, bury, pray, meditate. First, I will redecorate.

A Momentary Breakdown

Found on Wikipedia:
According to the German Society of Ophthalmology, which has collated different scientific studies on crying, women cry on average between 30 and 64 times a year, and men cry on average between 6 and 17 times a year.

 Cleaning my bedroom the other night, I found a Valentine's Day card. It wasn't from him, but it upset me, because all I could think was that it should have been. The wave of pain that engulfed me was unbearable. It hurt so much that the feeling within me was more than anger. It took me right back to the emotions of one month ago, devastation and .....hatred, an emotion that I've been desparately trying to exclude from my life. 

Most scientists believe that humans are the only animals that produce tears as a response to an emotional state. It is theorized that we feel better after a good cry because the act releases hormones associated with stress.  So, that's what I did..... I  curled up and cried. I wrote and cried. I didn't need to write much, but it was to the point, "I hate you for what you did to me." Then, I curled up and cried some more.

As momentary as it was, this will probably not be an isolated event.  I'm sure that the pain will be dredged up often, by pictures, memories, surroundings and mementos. The problem with a lengthy relationship  is the large amount of evidence of its existence which is left behind.

The good news is .... I know that I have the power to work through it.

Can Exes Really Be Friends?

In my experience, the breakup talk often includes some sort of declaration that the two of you will always be friends.  We know how that usually goes.... we attempt a friendship before we finish the process of grieving, causing the process to drag on and on, creating more hurt and disappointment. Until eventually, you learn to stay the heck away from each other. Then, in a few months, or years, you run into each other, hopefully talk about the good times, hug and walk away. Sure we can be friendly, but friends?

Let's consider our "friendly" options:

• The Casual Acquaintance- This is the ex that you never go out of your way to contact. You may run into each other or give a third party salutation through a casual acquaintance, but you wouldn't worry if you lost their number.
• Friend by Association- This happens when the couple has a large pool of mutual longtime friends (i.e. college buddies). Rather than forcing the friends to choose between you, you agree to get along when you're thrown together at an event (an annual party, wedding, or reunion).
• The Random Phone Call Friend- For me, this is the "we just grew apart" ex. You still have fond memories and hold a place in your heart for this person (your first kiss, love, etc.) Every once in a while you'll get the "I heard a song that reminded me of you, and wanted to say hi," phone call.
• The Social Networking Friend-  Currently, six of my FB friends are guys that I "dated,"  (quotation marks because I include my 7th grade boyfriend of one week). These are guys from my youth, when we were all educating ourselves in the whole boyfriend/girlfriend relationship thing. Learning trial by error. We can joke publicly about our experiences. The spouses are often aware of our childhood hi-jinx. We're all just buddies now.
• The Jerry/Elaine Experience- On "Seinfeld", Jerry and Elaine were exes who ended up being best friends. They spoke openly with each other, hung out together, set each other up on dates, and for a brief moment had some "friends with benefits" action. But, that was television, and I have yet to see one of these friendships in action. If anyone out there can provide proof of this mythical relationship, please, share.

So, can/will the ex and I be friends? If I had to decide right now?.... HECK NO! And I don't need to go into the reasons why. What about in the future?  At my age, I've learned to be honest about my ability to predict the future... I can't. There are some factors to consider, such as the details of our history and relationship and the ability to forgive.

In that wonderful future that I am envisioning, have we been able to forgive? I hope so, because forgiveness can be very liberating..... so I've been told.

How About a Pair of Pajama Jeans?

Hooray! I'm out of my pajamas and it's before noon. It's just sweats, but there is a jog bra involved, thus making me presentable enough for a trip to the grocery store. This small success has me wondering, "What next?" ...Pajama jeans seem to be the obvious choice, but I should probably set my goals a little higher.

So, what do I do next? The title does say "Learning How 2 Trust Again." When do I start learning to trust? There's nothing about "trust" mentioned in the 5 stages of grief, but I've been told it is how the process begins. At which stage am I? Let me think about this....

                                                   Five Stages Of Grief 

1. Denial and Isolation.At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
   The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if  dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. One may be angry with oneself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
   Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
   The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Denial and Isolation... check,check... and unbearably on the longer side.
Anger...check (and still checking)....
Bargaining... Check I think? ... I'm pretty sure that my bargaining stage was really first, at the time when I thought he actually might still love me enough to work on things, before I found out.
Depression.... CHECK!!!!!....  this stage blanketed the first three.
Acceptance.... hmmm.... not quite there yet. While the emotional stuff has tapered off, and I've accepted the romantic loss, I'm still hoping for a friendship. Now... don't go blasting me yet, because I'll address that on a different day.

So where am I? I guess it really doesn't matter because I haven't reached the fifth stage yet. As far as learning to trust again? I STILL don't know! I suppose that I actually have to find someone to start trusting, don't I? Ahhhh.... that's another topic for another blog.

* This link was forwarded to me  7 Stages of Grief. Thanks REdM!

Depression Is Not a Weight Loss Plan

Clean eating and exercise are beneficial to the body and the mind. We know we have more energy when we eat healthy foods, and people who exercise regularly benefit from a boost in mood and lower rates of depression due to the release of endorphins to the brain. I have known these facts for years.

So why is it the most movement I can get from my body is the walk from the bed to the couch, and when I can eat, all I crave are sugar, tater tots and sauces? Thankfully, due to an inability to put food into my body, I have still lost 7 pounds.

More unfortunate facts: I've lost muscle, not fat.... I'm screwing up my metabolism, which is two strikes against me considering my age.... and when I start eating again, I'll probably gain back 10.

So, now that the black cloud is slowly rising, I'm able to start moving again. Zumba has been the recent activity of choice. The music is fun and motivating.

The food thing though..... I am unable to physically eat! I mean, 3 bites in and I'm feeling sick and done. Even if I can get a full plate finished, I still feel ill afterward. And goodness knows, no vegetable has had reason to feel threatened by me in the last 2 months.

Do guys respond to depression the same way? Do they also spend their days on the couch sleeping through daytime television, getting up long enough to eat half of a box of thin mints? By the way, a shout out to the Girls Scouts of America.... your timing is impeccable.

I know what I need to do. I will force my butt out of bed (by noon at least), do some sort of physical activity (I'm sure the dog would appreciate that), and threaten a carrot or two at least once a day. I'm sure that each day it will get easier and soon I will start feeling better about myself physically and mentally.

Positive Thoughts

Many books have been written about how powerful positive thought is. My favorite go to book is, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Just recently, the movie version showed up on my Netflix stream and I've been watching it just about everyday.

I am a firm believer that the energy you project comes back at you, be it positive or negative. I remember feigning illness as a child in order to skip school so well that I'd actually end up sick. I know that when I face a problem with a positive attitude, things will work out far better than when I am negative and complaining about it.

Of course, when all of this started I wished horrible things upon my ex. Plans for revenge were discussed  (other than the usual "a pox upon you" kind of stuff). But I know that regardless of how much I am hurting, and what people think he "deserves," that negative energy will get me nowhere.

"Take the high road......Take the high road.....Take the high road." Thank you L.S.A. for my new mantra.

In order to have what I want in my life, I need to live it as if it is already happening. I envision how my closure will happen, how I will move on to a trusting relationship, and the positive things that will emerge from my extreme pain. I know exactly how it will look, sound and feel. In order to have what I want, I must surround myself with positive healing  thoughts for others as well, and that includes him.

That being said..... My positive thoughts are with those affected by the massive earthquake in Japan. My problems are insignificant compared to theirs.