I've got to say that I'm backing meds. It's been a great week. The purging has only just begun. Lost items have been found, things have been repaired and I've even managed to take down the last of the Christmas decorations. I've cried once or twice, but nothing close to the way I was last week. It feels good to get back to living life.
I've never been much of a pill person, for illness or recreation. I fight through pain, forget to take my vitamins, and usually skip a day when I'm taking antibiotics. As far as anti-depressants go, I'll have to admit that the warnings on those commercials make me a little nervous. At some point though, I had to accept that things couldn't continue the way they were. I gave in and asked for help... and I'm ok with that.
April 29, 2011
April 27, 2011
Let's Face It
A few months ago, I bought a blu-ray player. It didn't take long for it to start malfunctioning and typically, I didn't take it back until now. Of course, I was a little irked that it had to be sent back for repairs and would take 2-4 weeks. I shuddered at the thought of having to go without Netflix streaming in my comfy and safe bedroom. I took a deep breath, considered my options and decided that I would move the Wii from the living room. My poor dusty Wii, a virtual stranger to me after 2 years of ownership. It was my 9 year old niece who showed me how to upload pictures to it.
And, I sit here now, installing and updating, adding new devices and browsing. Checking out the bells and whistles that I overlooked before. I think that I may actually enjoy this better.... Maybe the "bad" thing that had irked me earlier was actually a good thing. Maybe I needed to get to know my Mii a little better.
I could say "Everything happens for a reason" or "God moves in mysterious ways", that something good always from bad, or blame Karma or Fate.... Let's face it, life is made up of good and bad times, and that's just the way life is. Eventually, depending on attitude or resilience or the strength of our meds, we recover and move on.
I don't think that I can say I recovered quite yet, but I think that I'm ready to start seeing the good. Maybe I'm ready to get to know Me a little better.
And, I sit here now, installing and updating, adding new devices and browsing. Checking out the bells and whistles that I overlooked before. I think that I may actually enjoy this better.... Maybe the "bad" thing that had irked me earlier was actually a good thing. Maybe I needed to get to know my Mii a little better.
I could say "Everything happens for a reason" or "God moves in mysterious ways", that something good always from bad, or blame Karma or Fate.... Let's face it, life is made up of good and bad times, and that's just the way life is. Eventually, depending on attitude or resilience or the strength of our meds, we recover and move on.
I don't think that I can say I recovered quite yet, but I think that I'm ready to start seeing the good. Maybe I'm ready to get to know Me a little better.
April 26, 2011
A Better Day
Maybe it's the sunshine, maybe it's the little helpers that I got from Pharmacist... but, I feel hopeful today.
It's nice to be able to wake up and pop right out of bed. I can't remember the last time that happened. I feel like Snow White as I whistle while I work. This energy makes me want to be productive. Even the dog can feel it. She knows it's a dog park day.
This will be a good day to start on that list of projects to finish (written 7 months ago). The first project.... an ol' fashioned springtime cleaning. I can't think of a better time to purge my home of unnecessary things and lighten the load. It's finally time to paint the walls and rearrange the furniture. Ah, the power of spring.
I don't want to jinx anything , but let's be realistic. I know that it can all come crashing down on me. That's what depression does. The key is to take advantage of those great days and do as much as possible. That way I won't feel guilty for sitting on my butt for a week. Eventually, I'll have more productive days than butt sitting days.
It's nice to be able to wake up and pop right out of bed. I can't remember the last time that happened. I feel like Snow White as I whistle while I work. This energy makes me want to be productive. Even the dog can feel it. She knows it's a dog park day.
This will be a good day to start on that list of projects to finish (written 7 months ago). The first project.... an ol' fashioned springtime cleaning. I can't think of a better time to purge my home of unnecessary things and lighten the load. It's finally time to paint the walls and rearrange the furniture. Ah, the power of spring.
I don't want to jinx anything , but let's be realistic. I know that it can all come crashing down on me. That's what depression does. The key is to take advantage of those great days and do as much as possible. That way I won't feel guilty for sitting on my butt for a week. Eventually, I'll have more productive days than butt sitting days.
April 25, 2011
Progress Report
It's been three months since the breakup and it's time to evaluate my progress.
Moments of sadness and anger still overwhelm me daily. There is still that pain in the center of my chest. Some days are getting easier than others. It's a slow improvement, but I'll take it.
The ex and I are trying to keep an open line of communication. We are still dealing with the business of separating, and trying to be supportive of each other emotionally. We are friendly, but nothing close to being friends.
On the brighter side....I've changed my diet and have managed loose 8 pounds. Yay me! Can't say that I've been getting much exercise though. The bowflex remains a coat rack, and I couldn't even begin to figure out where my running shoes are. I am feeling a little more energetic each day, just in time for summer. I'm looking forward to warm days on the boat and hikes with the dog.
I haven't gone back to trying meditation yet. For some reason, I feel like I should already be in a peaceful state when I begin. It's like straightening up the house before the cleaning lady gets there. I needed time to vent, and release the pent up negative energy that was eating at me. I still have a lot of emotion that needs to be released. I need to cleanse my soul.
As far as a social life... I'm not ready. My walls are too high, and I've lost faith in people. I go out with friends and hang with the roommates, but being around people is hard. I find myself craving isolation.
I still need to work on my obsession that everything has to happen right now. Time....... "Time will tell", "Time heals all wounds", "Time is our friend." It's time for me to take some deep breaths and keep myself occupied. One day I'll wake up refreshed and energetic. I'll hum happy songs and laugh easily. I won't see it coming, it just will.
One day I'll wake up and realize that I'm happy.
Moments of sadness and anger still overwhelm me daily. There is still that pain in the center of my chest. Some days are getting easier than others. It's a slow improvement, but I'll take it.
The ex and I are trying to keep an open line of communication. We are still dealing with the business of separating, and trying to be supportive of each other emotionally. We are friendly, but nothing close to being friends.
On the brighter side....I've changed my diet and have managed loose 8 pounds. Yay me! Can't say that I've been getting much exercise though. The bowflex remains a coat rack, and I couldn't even begin to figure out where my running shoes are. I am feeling a little more energetic each day, just in time for summer. I'm looking forward to warm days on the boat and hikes with the dog.
I haven't gone back to trying meditation yet. For some reason, I feel like I should already be in a peaceful state when I begin. It's like straightening up the house before the cleaning lady gets there. I needed time to vent, and release the pent up negative energy that was eating at me. I still have a lot of emotion that needs to be released. I need to cleanse my soul.
As far as a social life... I'm not ready. My walls are too high, and I've lost faith in people. I go out with friends and hang with the roommates, but being around people is hard. I find myself craving isolation.
I still need to work on my obsession that everything has to happen right now. Time....... "Time will tell", "Time heals all wounds", "Time is our friend." It's time for me to take some deep breaths and keep myself occupied. One day I'll wake up refreshed and energetic. I'll hum happy songs and laugh easily. I won't see it coming, it just will.
One day I'll wake up and realize that I'm happy.
April 24, 2011
Passion or Friendship?
I've seen relationships start with a fling, and I've known couples who started out as friends. Passion and friendship can either start a relationship or develop within it. If the balance is right love can grow. Both are aspects of a lasting relationship, but when it comes down to importance, does one win out over the other?
Passion is the factor that separates lovers from friends. Passion can rise and recede during the span of a relationship. It can be nurtured and grow with trust and respect. Passion makes us feel loved, important and desired, but it it's not what holds a relationship together.
Most of hours of the day are not spent being passionate. Couples deal with the everyday things that come with life, like finances, family, and work. We need to support and entertain each other. We look for a partner and confidant... a friend. Friendships grow and change overtime just as much as passion does. Views change and friends disagree. The luckiest of us are able to work through our problems and grow together.
There will be times when it's more important to be a lover or be a friend. In the end though, when I'm 85 and in the retirement home, it will be my friend holding my hand. He will be the man who's company I enjoy most. We will understand each other better than we understand ourselves. We will have built a life together. Physical passion will fade away, but my friend will always be there.
Passion is the factor that separates lovers from friends. Passion can rise and recede during the span of a relationship. It can be nurtured and grow with trust and respect. Passion makes us feel loved, important and desired, but it it's not what holds a relationship together.
Most of hours of the day are not spent being passionate. Couples deal with the everyday things that come with life, like finances, family, and work. We need to support and entertain each other. We look for a partner and confidant... a friend. Friendships grow and change overtime just as much as passion does. Views change and friends disagree. The luckiest of us are able to work through our problems and grow together.
There will be times when it's more important to be a lover or be a friend. In the end though, when I'm 85 and in the retirement home, it will be my friend holding my hand. He will be the man who's company I enjoy most. We will understand each other better than we understand ourselves. We will have built a life together. Physical passion will fade away, but my friend will always be there.
April 23, 2011
The Importance of Pets
I love the feeling of soft fur curled up next to me, or a cold nose nudging me awake in the morning. Growing up, we always had cats. I remember that when I was the saddest, my brother's cat would come to cuddle with me, rubbing and purring more than ever. My mom said that animals are instinctual, they know when you need them most.
These days, I have two cats and a dog. One cat, who lived in the laundry room for the better part of three years, has barely left my bed since February. The other slept under the covers with me for three weeks straight. My dog has taken to escaping through the broken fence, only to go around to the front door and bark. This act forces me to get out of bed to let her in. She will do this continually, until I give up and stay in the living room. They know what I need better than most humans. They know when to cuddle up with me and when to take me for a walk.
How is it that animals are so sensitive? They can feel the shift of the earth prior to a quake, sense the change of tone in a voice, the change of the mood in a room. How do they know that tears are a sign of pain? What is it about them that makes their mere presence so consoling?
These days, I have two cats and a dog. One cat, who lived in the laundry room for the better part of three years, has barely left my bed since February. The other slept under the covers with me for three weeks straight. My dog has taken to escaping through the broken fence, only to go around to the front door and bark. This act forces me to get out of bed to let her in. She will do this continually, until I give up and stay in the living room. They know what I need better than most humans. They know when to cuddle up with me and when to take me for a walk.
How is it that animals are so sensitive? They can feel the shift of the earth prior to a quake, sense the change of tone in a voice, the change of the mood in a room. How do they know that tears are a sign of pain? What is it about them that makes their mere presence so consoling?
April 21, 2011
It's Time to Start Being Selfish
I will often put others first, I have a generous soul. I've been burned a lot because of it, too. It's not that I'm an easy target for scams, actually I am very skeptical of strangers. I tend to be taken advantage of by people close to me. These days, it doesn't take much to lose my trust, and it's become very easy to cut some people out of my life.
It's time that I start putting myself first for once. It's been such a long time and I've forgotten how to do that. Where do I start? It's about so much more than taking a personal day every week. I need to take a personal inventory... evaluate some relationships. I need to surround myself, protect myself, with the trusted few.
Cleaning out the friend closet won't be hard. My standards are pretty high.... Don't lie to me. If someone has to lie to me to save face or to hide something, then we really aren't friends are we? I don't think that's unfair or too much to expect. In the past, I was too trusting and couldn't see the lies. Now I question everything. It's amazing what lies you hear when your head is clear and eyes are open.
My ability to trust the people close to me is the first step in looking out for number one. No more wasted time listening to stories, excuses and lies.
It's time that I start putting myself first for once. It's been such a long time and I've forgotten how to do that. Where do I start? It's about so much more than taking a personal day every week. I need to take a personal inventory... evaluate some relationships. I need to surround myself, protect myself, with the trusted few.
Cleaning out the friend closet won't be hard. My standards are pretty high.... Don't lie to me. If someone has to lie to me to save face or to hide something, then we really aren't friends are we? I don't think that's unfair or too much to expect. In the past, I was too trusting and couldn't see the lies. Now I question everything. It's amazing what lies you hear when your head is clear and eyes are open.
My ability to trust the people close to me is the first step in looking out for number one. No more wasted time listening to stories, excuses and lies.
April 20, 2011
Have Faith in Yourself
People don't change really. Jealousy doesn't go away with the next relationship; people who play childish games rarely grow up; poor choices are made over and over again. Some who trust too easily may be shy at first, after getting burned, but will most likely go back to being too trusting again. How sad is it that something as beautiful as trust can also be considered a hazardous trait?
"An eye for an eye" and "turn the other cheek," I've always loved that these two opposing viewpoints come from the same book. I'm a Buddhist though and believe in Karma... What goes around comes around... You get what you give. "So, if your such a good person, why are all of these bad things happening to you," you may ask? Because, 1. I am not perfect, b. Bad things happen to good people, and ..... Good people overcome hardship.
"An eye for an eye" and "turn the other cheek," I've always loved that these two opposing viewpoints come from the same book. I'm a Buddhist though and believe in Karma... What goes around comes around... You get what you give. "So, if your such a good person, why are all of these bad things happening to you," you may ask? Because, 1. I am not perfect, b. Bad things happen to good people, and ..... Good people overcome hardship.
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
- Anonymous
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
- Anonymous
It's about character....
April 18, 2011
This Might Actually Work
Finally.... a real reason to stay in bed all day. I've been taken down by a bug. It was bound to happen with all of the stress and emotional upheaval. I wasn't really going out of my way to take care of myself either. The timing couldn't be better though.... I had just started a cleanse.
The first few days of living on steamed vegetables and lean proteins was difficult due to the temptation of fried food and sushi rolls at work and my roommates' affinities for junk food and cheese. So, I drank my 84 oz. of water, filled up on salad at work and avoided the kitchen at home. Getting sick has actually been beneficial.
Having a cough is a great excuse for not eating dairy. With my lack of energy, I'm not too inspired to do a lot of cooking, thus making it easier to stick to nuts, soup, carrots and avocados. I'm not getting much exercise though, and I'm not sure if it's true that you burn more calories when you're sick. Something must be working .... I've lost six pounds. This cleanse is supposed to last for 3 weeks. I'm not sure that I can stay sick that long.
The first few days of living on steamed vegetables and lean proteins was difficult due to the temptation of fried food and sushi rolls at work and my roommates' affinities for junk food and cheese. So, I drank my 84 oz. of water, filled up on salad at work and avoided the kitchen at home. Getting sick has actually been beneficial.
Having a cough is a great excuse for not eating dairy. With my lack of energy, I'm not too inspired to do a lot of cooking, thus making it easier to stick to nuts, soup, carrots and avocados. I'm not getting much exercise though, and I'm not sure if it's true that you burn more calories when you're sick. Something must be working .... I've lost six pounds. This cleanse is supposed to last for 3 weeks. I'm not sure that I can stay sick that long.
April 17, 2011
The Accidental Writer
Believe it or not, I wasn't much for keeping a journal when I was growing up. I was always more of a situational writer ~ high school poetry attempts, college essays, letters and postcards, a travel journal from my trip to Europe. They don't say too much, but they bring back memories. I read them and I think of the music, the clothes, the people. I remember the small events that individually mean little but as a whole make up my life.
Blogging has been a new experience for me. It's been a valuable place to rant, question.... opine. It has been great therapy. Sometimes though, my inspiration to write comes from a place that is far too personal to be discussed here. Lately, my "postings" have been to my private journal.
My private journal is my safe place. The flood of emotion that goes into it is liberating. I can express my fears and dreams without fear of being judged. I can vent and be cruel and forgive myself for it. There, I can be honest with myself regardless of how much it hurts. My journal is the only person I can completely trust right now. My journal is me.
Blogging has been a new experience for me. It's been a valuable place to rant, question.... opine. It has been great therapy. Sometimes though, my inspiration to write comes from a place that is far too personal to be discussed here. Lately, my "postings" have been to my private journal.
My private journal is my safe place. The flood of emotion that goes into it is liberating. I can express my fears and dreams without fear of being judged. I can vent and be cruel and forgive myself for it. There, I can be honest with myself regardless of how much it hurts. My journal is the only person I can completely trust right now. My journal is me.
April 14, 2011
What If......
If it were a matter of life or death, could you kill someone? How would you react if your partner confessed to cheating? If you found out that your child had committed a crime, could you turn him/her in?
Why do we even bothering to ask these hypothetical questions? Are we in a debate over the ethics of society? Are we going through our own moral checklist? ("Sure in self defense"- check..." Adultery bad"- check.... "It would depend on the crime"-check) Or, are we simply trying to warn others of potential danger? ("Yes son, I'd turn you in in a split second, so just don't do it!")
We would like to think that we would know how we'd react. We often backup our answers with lessons from a spiritual upbringing. We believe in karma or "an eye for an eye." The books we read, places of worship we attend and the lessons taught to us by our parents and teachers all affect what choices we would make. Then, the debates begin, more what-ifs, and we begin to question ourselves.
Those annoying what-ifs. Those annoying variables that are rarely considered, but sometimes can have an impact on a situation. Kids are excellent at them, just do a "Man with Gun on Campus" drill at an elementary school. Usually around the "What if I have to fart and the gunman smells it" question, a teacher says, "Don't worry about the what-ifs. There are just some things you can't prepare for."
We can debate morality and hypothesize over the variables. We can borrow from the experiences of others and feel confident in what we would do or say. Prepare all we can, the truth is: We will never really know how we will respond to a given situation until we experience it.
Why do we even bothering to ask these hypothetical questions? Are we in a debate over the ethics of society? Are we going through our own moral checklist? ("Sure in self defense"- check..." Adultery bad"- check.... "It would depend on the crime"-check) Or, are we simply trying to warn others of potential danger? ("Yes son, I'd turn you in in a split second, so just don't do it!")
We would like to think that we would know how we'd react. We often backup our answers with lessons from a spiritual upbringing. We believe in karma or "an eye for an eye." The books we read, places of worship we attend and the lessons taught to us by our parents and teachers all affect what choices we would make. Then, the debates begin, more what-ifs, and we begin to question ourselves.
Those annoying what-ifs. Those annoying variables that are rarely considered, but sometimes can have an impact on a situation. Kids are excellent at them, just do a "Man with Gun on Campus" drill at an elementary school. Usually around the "What if I have to fart and the gunman smells it" question, a teacher says, "Don't worry about the what-ifs. There are just some things you can't prepare for."
We can debate morality and hypothesize over the variables. We can borrow from the experiences of others and feel confident in what we would do or say. Prepare all we can, the truth is: We will never really know how we will respond to a given situation until we experience it.
April 12, 2011
"My Life" The Soundtrack
Some people (me) go through life with the radio on but not really listening to the music. Isn't strange that whenever we experience a time of emotional upheaval, we seem to be more aware of the lyrics, which always seem be perfectly express what we are going through?
My soundtrack started with songs about repairing a struggling relationship. Then, some Alanis Morrisette kicked in with songs of betrayal. Every other track has some sort of phoenix rising from the ashes theme. Every now and then there is a song that gives false hope. Some songs give me strength and other have me breaking down into tears.
I would give anything to be back in the days when my life had a John Hughes movie soundtrack. Is it too much to still hope for my "16 Candles" ending, sitting on the dining room table with my Jake Ryan, kissing over a candle?
My soundtrack started with songs about repairing a struggling relationship. Then, some Alanis Morrisette kicked in with songs of betrayal. Every other track has some sort of phoenix rising from the ashes theme. Every now and then there is a song that gives false hope. Some songs give me strength and other have me breaking down into tears.
I would give anything to be back in the days when my life had a John Hughes movie soundtrack. Is it too much to still hope for my "16 Candles" ending, sitting on the dining room table with my Jake Ryan, kissing over a candle?
April 9, 2011
"It's Not Easy Not Easy Being Green" - Kermit the Frog
It's time to get serious about my health. I'm giving myself 9 weeks to lose 30 pounds. That's 3 pounds per week. The experts say that 1-2 pounds per week is more realistic, but I'm figuring that if I work extra workouts in, I can at least come close. Experts also say that the key to weight loss is 10% genetics, 10% exercise, and 80% diet. I have the motivation to do this. I'm not getting any younger or thinner.
As I'm writing out my grocery list, I'm keeping in mind of which things I need to buy organic, what is local and in season, which animals have been treated humanely and what is chemical free. Then I start to obsess.
I've always considered myself "environmentally conscientious." My family has always recycled and conserved water. I've been using canvas bags since 1984. But being "green" is about so much more these days. It's buying organic and local, eating clean, calculating your carbon footprint, supporting the local merchants and using sustainable materials. We are encouraged to boycott greedy corporations with unfair labor practices, protest against bad political policies, support our troops, and support our local girl scouts (part of the reason I need to drop 30 pounds). Save the dolphins, worry about global warming, leave as little impact on the Earth as possible.
There is a lot that goes into being "environmentally conscientious" these days. Can I really do it all? If you've seen the documentary "No Impact Man," you know that yes, you can, but it's not always easy or comfortable and definitely not convenient.
We'd like to say that we can do it all, but can we really? And, do we really want to? It's got to be about balance. About doing what is realistic in our lives at the time. I was taught that if 100 people recycle one can per day every day of the year, that's 36,500 cans recycled per year. That I can make a difference even with the smallest change.
So, I need to practice making small changes over time, and to know that with each change, I reduce my impact on the earth.
I need to apply this to my personal life and stop being obsessed with wanting it all to happen immediately. To know that with every small change, I grow just a little stronger in body, mind and spirit.
As I'm writing out my grocery list, I'm keeping in mind of which things I need to buy organic, what is local and in season, which animals have been treated humanely and what is chemical free. Then I start to obsess.
I've always considered myself "environmentally conscientious." My family has always recycled and conserved water. I've been using canvas bags since 1984. But being "green" is about so much more these days. It's buying organic and local, eating clean, calculating your carbon footprint, supporting the local merchants and using sustainable materials. We are encouraged to boycott greedy corporations with unfair labor practices, protest against bad political policies, support our troops, and support our local girl scouts (part of the reason I need to drop 30 pounds). Save the dolphins, worry about global warming, leave as little impact on the Earth as possible.
There is a lot that goes into being "environmentally conscientious" these days. Can I really do it all? If you've seen the documentary "No Impact Man," you know that yes, you can, but it's not always easy or comfortable and definitely not convenient.
We'd like to say that we can do it all, but can we really? And, do we really want to? It's got to be about balance. About doing what is realistic in our lives at the time. I was taught that if 100 people recycle one can per day every day of the year, that's 36,500 cans recycled per year. That I can make a difference even with the smallest change.
So, I need to practice making small changes over time, and to know that with each change, I reduce my impact on the earth.
I need to apply this to my personal life and stop being obsessed with wanting it all to happen immediately. To know that with every small change, I grow just a little stronger in body, mind and spirit.
April 7, 2011
Trust Me
Have you ever noticed that the people who say "trust me" are usually the same people who have already proven that they can't be trusted?
You would think that trust could be easily categorized. For example, "I trust you to watch my house when I'm out of town, but I know you will lie to me about anything, if it means that you are covering your own ass", or "I can trust you to drive my car, but I can't trust you to not take the money out of the ashtray."
I've come to realize that when trust is lost with me, it's across the board. Once I've learned that you betrayed my trust EVERYTHING is under question...... That really sucks.
Now, I understand what my mom said to me as a kid when she caught me in my first serious deception."Once you've lost my trust, you will have to work to get it back, and it will take a long time before I can trust you again."
Trust has to be proven everyday. It goes beyond lies and deception. It's about follow through and reliability. It is like a fragile crystal vase. It's easily shattered and often impossible to repair. If it's worth repairing, you have to put effort and time into it. It requires careful handling and a lot of patience.
And, if what you are repairing is REALLY that important.....you have to accept the fact that it may never be as strong as it was before.
You would think that trust could be easily categorized. For example, "I trust you to watch my house when I'm out of town, but I know you will lie to me about anything, if it means that you are covering your own ass", or "I can trust you to drive my car, but I can't trust you to not take the money out of the ashtray."
I've come to realize that when trust is lost with me, it's across the board. Once I've learned that you betrayed my trust EVERYTHING is under question...... That really sucks.
Now, I understand what my mom said to me as a kid when she caught me in my first serious deception."Once you've lost my trust, you will have to work to get it back, and it will take a long time before I can trust you again."
Trust has to be proven everyday. It goes beyond lies and deception. It's about follow through and reliability. It is like a fragile crystal vase. It's easily shattered and often impossible to repair. If it's worth repairing, you have to put effort and time into it. It requires careful handling and a lot of patience.
And, if what you are repairing is REALLY that important.....you have to accept the fact that it may never be as strong as it was before.
April 6, 2011
Unbroken
I have to admit that I was a little inspired by Kirstie Alley today. After an embarrassing fall on national television, Kirstie went with friends to a Hollywood tattoo parlor to get her first ink.... "Unbroken," a word to describe her inner and outer strength.
The last 3 years have been especially hard for me and as I'm coming out of the darkness, a little bruised but better than many would expect, I've been thinking about my own next tattoo. I've had many ideas, but nothing good enough to commit to for the rest of my life. Then I was inspired by a single word. Hmmm.... "A woman in search of a word." Then, I realized that I already have my word, and it's been at the bottom of these pages every day..... Water Bear, the symbol of my strength.
A Water Bear (Tardigrade) is a microscopic, water dwelling, segmented animal. They can be found all over the world from the high Himalayas to the deep sea, from the equator to the polar regions. They are able to survive in extreme environments as cold as −273 °C (−459 °F), and as hot as 151 °C (304 °F), withstand extreme radiation, and go without water for almost a decade. They were exposed to the vacuum of space and not only survived, but laid eggs that hatched normally. It is the ultimate survivor.
I'm a WaterBear. So.... tattoo the word, or a picture?
The last 3 years have been especially hard for me and as I'm coming out of the darkness, a little bruised but better than many would expect, I've been thinking about my own next tattoo. I've had many ideas, but nothing good enough to commit to for the rest of my life. Then I was inspired by a single word. Hmmm.... "A woman in search of a word." Then, I realized that I already have my word, and it's been at the bottom of these pages every day..... Water Bear, the symbol of my strength.
A Water Bear (Tardigrade) is a microscopic, water dwelling, segmented animal. They can be found all over the world from the high Himalayas to the deep sea, from the equator to the polar regions. They are able to survive in extreme environments as cold as −273 °C (−459 °F), and as hot as 151 °C (304 °F), withstand extreme radiation, and go without water for almost a decade. They were exposed to the vacuum of space and not only survived, but laid eggs that hatched normally. It is the ultimate survivor.
I'm a WaterBear. So.... tattoo the word, or a picture?
April 4, 2011
The Bucket List
Some people are afraid to be alone. Actually, I think that probably most people fear being alone at one time or another. Some people, though, are so afraid of it that they jump straight from relationship to relationship, often starting one before ending the other. I suppose that it provides some sort of comfort and distraction, but there's something to be said for allowing yourself to be unattached.
Often we forget how to take care of ourselves. We spend time caring for our partners, our families, friends and peers. We may take a moment for a bath or a quiet cocktail, but for the most part we ignore and put off our own needs. I did that for 11 years, and things are about to change. It's about time that I get back to planning MY life and start doing the things that make ME happy. Time for me to start taking care of myself first.
So I have...
The Woman's Breakup Recovery Bucket List
Often we forget how to take care of ourselves. We spend time caring for our partners, our families, friends and peers. We may take a moment for a bath or a quiet cocktail, but for the most part we ignore and put off our own needs. I did that for 11 years, and things are about to change. It's about time that I get back to planning MY life and start doing the things that make ME happy. Time for me to start taking care of myself first.
So I have...
The Woman's Breakup Recovery Bucket List
- Get a professional makeover, preferably in NY on "Kathie Lee and Hoda"
- Be a contestant on a game show.
- Run a marathon.
- Start a company.
- Go on an island vacation with my girlfriends.
April 3, 2011
Good Day Sunshine
Depression is an interesting phenomena. A few days ago, I couldn't move. I couldn't take a breath without sobbing. Today, I wake up after 4 hours of sleep for the second night in a row and I'm more productive than ever. Survival mode I suppose. I can only let things go for so long until I am forced to deal with life.
So I'll take advantage of the new found energy. I'll make the house look like a home. I'll take care of my adult responsibilities. There is no telling how long this window of opportunity will last.
I'll get through this one day at a time.
So I'll take advantage of the new found energy. I'll make the house look like a home. I'll take care of my adult responsibilities. There is no telling how long this window of opportunity will last.
I'll get through this one day at a time.
April 1, 2011
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Had to take a few days off. Sometimes trying to stay strong isn't so easy. This is the part of the 7 Stages of Grief when "a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you." Uh, ya think? And of course, coming along with it were the attempts "to talk me out of it by well meaning outsiders." That along with the isolation, reflection and feelings of emptiness and despair, was just enough to take me under the sheets for a couple of days.
People who have never experienced depression have a difficult time understanding it. They view it as a sadness that someone could just "snap out of." It makes me think of all of those depression medication commercials and how we laugh at the side effect disclaimers.... "may cause nausea, insomnia, suicidal thoughts or death." Um, WHY am I taking this medication? Though we may laugh, the commercials are right. They point out that depression is physical as well as emotional. As those who have felt it can relate to the heaviness of the body, the inability to move, the desire to just go back to sleep and the disappointment upon waking.
Now, my health conscious friends are telling me how beneficial yoga would be for me. I totally agree... if I could only find the strength to get out of bed. It's a catch-22, I need to eat right and exercise, but all I can keep down are comfort foods, and I can barely find the strength to even get to the kitchen. This physical response to depression may have to be dealt with by something a little stronger than a positive attitude.
For now, I'm just grateful that there seems to be more time between the low days.
People who have never experienced depression have a difficult time understanding it. They view it as a sadness that someone could just "snap out of." It makes me think of all of those depression medication commercials and how we laugh at the side effect disclaimers.... "may cause nausea, insomnia, suicidal thoughts or death." Um, WHY am I taking this medication? Though we may laugh, the commercials are right. They point out that depression is physical as well as emotional. As those who have felt it can relate to the heaviness of the body, the inability to move, the desire to just go back to sleep and the disappointment upon waking.
Now, my health conscious friends are telling me how beneficial yoga would be for me. I totally agree... if I could only find the strength to get out of bed. It's a catch-22, I need to eat right and exercise, but all I can keep down are comfort foods, and I can barely find the strength to even get to the kitchen. This physical response to depression may have to be dealt with by something a little stronger than a positive attitude.
For now, I'm just grateful that there seems to be more time between the low days.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
