I let loose with a "curse" word when I had my momentary breakdown last week. I used the H word..... hate. It's a word that carries a lot of power and is considered by many to be an ugly emotion. In it's simplest definition, hatred is "often associated with feelings of anger and disposition towards hostility against the objects of hatred." Hmm, anger and hostility. Yep, I had definitely felt anger and hostility. How could I not?
When I was at my lowest, during my depression/anger/pain and guilt stage, I had a very long conversation with one of my best friends on this topic. She said hate was the work of the devil and, having known me since we were children, assured me that I was NOT a hateful person. I know she's right, but I found it hard to describe with any other word the way I was feeling. Perhaps I shouldn't look for that all encompassing single word. Maybe it's healthier to recognize each detailed emotion.
Devastated, hurt, betrayed, angry, untrusting, suspicious. This is the lexicon of my breakup. I must remember that while these feelings seem to linger for what seems like an eternity, they are temporary. I know that I don't hate my ex. There are a lot of words to describe my feelings for him now, but hate is not one of them.
I once heard that the time it takes to recover from a breakup is usually half the time that the relationship lasted. Five and a half years? I hope not. I don't think that I could handle that. Some people have advised me to go into a rebound relationship to help the process go a little faster, or at least distract me. That's not my style though. So, I continue the process in writing. I continue to envision my perfect future. I continue to surround myself with positive energy.
Today's affirmation: I am grateful for the support of my friends and family throughout this process. For those who have known when to give me space, when to listen and when to advise. I am truly blessed.
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